Smile At Will

Smile every opportunity you get to do so. Even if you dont, look at a tree, a leaf or the sky and smile. For me, I have this photo of Preity Zinta on my desktop. Sometimes I just look at her and smile. Smiles are so important. For me, when I smile, I feel so invigorated and optimistic. Suddenly, everything's just fine. :) Earlier I used to take my smile for granted. Then came a period when people made me very conscious of my smile by telling me what effect it had on them. But of late, I'm happy about my smile because of the effect its having on me. I smile best when I smile alone-at a thought, a tune, a view, a sound, a face, a gesture or just Preity smiling back at me :) A smile is the quickest way I can cheer myself up-and I need a lot of cheering these days. So I dont lose any opportunity to smile. :)

Overcast Morning

26 May 2002
New Delhi

I don't remember what woke me up but I vaguely remember the noises emanating from the kitchen. I'm a light sleeper. As my mind regained consciousness, I started becoming aware of the cool wind blowing from the fan above me. It was cool; it was soothing; it was so comforting! I hadn't felt so pleased early in the morning in a long long time. I was a bit annoyed about the noises in the kitchen but at the same time I was glad that I was awake to enjoy this soft breeze. The windows were open too. I had rained last night and the sky was overcast - a rare event in Delhi. It seemed beautiful outside. I was becoming more and more awake. But what finally made me get out of the bed was the urgency of my bursting bladder. I hated this part of a perfectly fine Sunday morning. I didn't want to leave the bed but I had to. This was so irritating!

I stumbled into the loo half asleep. My eyes opened just enough to position my member. Nature's call should have a more meaningful connotation. My eyes were shut involuntarily and as the warm urea-filled water gushed out of my body, I could hear nature calling outside. Subcontinent birds and animals of all kinds - sparrows, crows, squirrels, cats, dogs, humming birds, bumble bees, parrots and many other birds and creatures whose names I didn't know. It was a delightfully melodious cacophony. Either they were quarrelling or they were competing in their celebrations. It was a party, a rave! I tried to open my right eye to look at the Mango and Bel trees outside in the hope that vision would aid my hearing. All I could make out were fresh clean leaves, sparkling green, dark and light hues. It was so fresh and bright that I had to shut my eye; even though it was an overcast morning. But I was enthused.

I finished the job and walked towards the bedroom windows. It was beautiful outside. A lovely silky cool breeze was coming into the room. I wished it would remain the same the whole day, the whole month! I had to go for a movie around noon and it would be easier in this weather. The fragrance wafting in made me nostalgic. It reminded me of my village, which looked, smelled and sounded like this for most of the monsoon season. I felt very relaxed. Especially, the breeze was heavenly! I gave a longing look towards my bed. It was a Sunday for god's sake!

I went and sat on the edge of the bed unable to make up my mind. The fan was blowing away. I gave it a fond look and flopped onto my bed - mmmmmmmmm this is soo good! I guess we're allowed such little indulgences. I went back to sleep, dreaming nothing at all.

Rain and Thunder

25 May 2002
New Delhi

It sounded as if the cat was up to some mischief, knocking over something or scratching some object. Then I thought someone was knocking on the windows from outside. Was the cat trying to get in? It had been lightning for quite some time. It was a full moon night as well. Maybe the cat was getting edgy. But I heard the hail minutes before the rain started pouring. As soon as I realised that it was hail, I got excited. That should cool Delhi down. It didn't occur to me that it could rain too. It had been so hot and dry the whole of last week that I couldn't imagine that there was any water left in the skies.

I left my writing desk and opened the windows. I was dark outside. I could hear the hail stones crashing against terra firma and the walls of my house. But I couldn't see anything. The sound was happiness enough.

Then the water came. At first in in a few drops; big ones that make a lot of noise. The earth let out the rainy dusty earthy aroma that everyone, without exception, loves so much. I'm yet to meet someone in this dry subcontinent who doesn't like that scent of mother earth. The magic never fails to wonder me.

The storm came very suddenly; quite suddenly. I didn't expect it to rain, let alone a storm. A torrent of thunderous streams of angry water came charging against the parched but indignant earth. It was like a battle of epic proportions. It was like copulation between celestial objects. In short, it was very violent. But this violence will calm down and bring peace to many hearts in this starved city. I wish this would happen every evening!

The wind was so strong that it brought in rain water through the windows. I left them open so that some freshness creeps into out blast furnace of a house. I got more than I asked for.

My mother was happy. I was happy. I guess the cats were happy too. They had been suffering this heat silently. I mean they did meow a lot meaninglessly, but nothing compared to mom's cribbing. The bed was next to the windows and the pillows got wet. Momentarily mom was angry at me for that. But only momentarily. Then she settled down with her dinner, feeling cool and happy, chewing away to salvation. I rested my pen for a while.

No One To Talk To

Miss you
Miss you
No one to talk to
But never liked
Talking to you
Too much love
Too much pain
Not again

Forgive you
Forgive you
Wasn't your fault
My love in a vault
Everything looking for
Found in you your
No wasn't looking for it
Never knew looking for it
Found you pretty thing
Found all everything
Soul mind
Rhythm divine
Body matter
Vision character

Talking to you
Water for a desert lost
Had to pay a cost
Poisoned with love
Killed me with every mouthful
I greedily gulped

Knew
Had to let go
Didn't you know too?
Poisoned me you
Didn't you know?
Never, you didn't, no
Wasn't your fault
My love in a vault

Forgive you
Can't forget you
Too much love
Too much pain
Not again
And now
No one to talk to.

From over me, from over you

On a micro level, you arrive at the same conclusions as I have;
On a macro level, I arrive at the same conclusions as you have.

On a micro level, you sometimes act quite stupid;
On a macro level, you are a greater human being than I am.

On a micro level, I love you very much;
On a macro level, you care for me very much.

On a micro level, I'm really very confused;
On a macro level, I have a lot of faith.

On a micro level, we're going to part ways very soon;
On a macro level, guess what, ultimately, we'll meet at one place.

On a micro level, I'm wondering if I'm conning myself;
On a macro level, I don't give a shit.

You have influenced me a lot and I've decided to break free.

Theism, Conscience and Faith

If at all there is a consciousness left after death to perceive the presence of god in case he comes/does not come in front of that consciousness, then I think it would be more disappointing to any consciousness to find out the truth after death that there is no god. I know I would feel cheated after living my entire life believing that he is there. That is only natural. On the other hand, if I live as an atheist and after death find out god, I would be very happy because it would explain a lot of things that are unexplained right now.

Attributing a personality to or personification of God is a psychological phenomenon. God is nothing but the HCV (Highest Common Virtues) of the consciences of all people in this world. Believing in that HCV and implementing it is real theism, real deification, real prayer.

God is spiritual democracy; an overwhelming majority vote for higher virtues. That is how this world is surviving. That is how this world has not completely fallen into depravity. And that is why it is important that this democracy remains a democracy and not turned into a dictatorship by the self-appointed ministers of God.

It is important here to talk about why, in many cases, we cannot escape looking at God as a benevolent superhuman who can take our pains away. Human beings are unique in that only they have the capacity for pure reason and rationality. In spite of this, in moments of crisis and deep trouble, all rationality comes to naught and we end up praying to God for deliverance. And it helps. That is called faith. And as a Little friend pointed out, it has nothing to do with rationality (thank God for that!). Faith is as irrational and useful as hope and as intriguing and beautiful as love. Faith is the intangible, unseen bridge that connects us to the God concept. Without faith, God would've been a crumpled sheet of rejected idea lying in a wastepaper basket somewhere. Without faith, humans would have been much less courageous, much less benevolent, much less patient and much more violent than they already are.

Perpetually Cursed

Red sand flowed through the desert rivers.
It sprang from a child who lied in tatters.
Tattered was his face.
Tattered was his bust.
And everything else that told you
he was one of us.

Tattered was the soul of the desert.
Tattered was the essence of humanity.
Naked, yet arrogant we were.
Shameless we went on without pity.

Oh convenience! Thou art so powerful!
It wasn't convenient for the powers too.
The bloodshed must go on.
Time and again, eon upon eon.
They didnt matter, we didnt mind.
Perpetually cursed the human kind.

And blood flows like rivers,
cutting deep across the landscape
of our conscience.
Conscience?
Whats that?
Who cares?
Let it flood.
Let it irrigate.
Let it fertile.

And blood flows like rivers,
quenching the greed of hollow men.
But it carries the fatal conscience dust.
Is it lying somewhere in your guts?
You know that you know,
but you show not and turn to go.
Its going to get you one of these days.
Perpetually cursed the human race.

Celebrity Sighting

I think eighty percent of the charm of seeing a celebrity in real life is the feeling of deja vu.

"Oh shit! I've seen him somewhere! He looks so small this time!"

Of course you moron! The last time you saw him was when he jumped off a cliff, rang the bells of a temple, swung from a tree, swept off a dame, splashed into a 5-star swimming pool and touched the feet of an elderly lady; all the while singing a duet. On top of that you witnessed this on a twenty feet by fifty feet screen. Even your extremities would look big on it!

I have had my celebrity encounters. The deja vu is just so strong! Its the same face! Has this encounter happened before? Of course thats the mock reaction. I know that thats the guy from the screen. Half the time I'm trying to figure out similarities between the on-screen and off-screen personalities. The other half is spent cursing myself at staring at him, lest I'm thought of as a desperate, servile celebrity worshiper. That is so not cool!!

PS: The rest twenty percent is feeling like a celebrity yourself- Proximity Glorification.

God is Great

The universe has been in chaos since it banged real big. The earth has been a bubbling cauldron since it got ejected out of the sun's womb. Its been more than 4 billion years since her birth and we still cant give rational credit for millions of deeds and misdeeds that occur upon us every year. Its time responsibility and accountability are fixed. God is the way out.

Terrorists gunning down poor labourers. Why? Children hacked to death after being brutally raped. Why? Street urchins freezing to death in biting cold. Who? Parents fighting and separating. How? Planeful of passengers disappering into thin air. Where? Spring in New York in the middle of winter. What?? How?? What the...!?!? Hell?

God is the sole and final arbiter of all truths. He decides, he executes. Period. At least that is where all our scientific knowledge gained over centuries hits an impregnable wall.
I can hear the top scientist speak, "I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, we have not been able to find the person responsible for your mess, so you will have to do with God for the time being. But of course we are still looking for God in person. You will be duly informed of his finding as and when it happens."

In the back row of the press conference, the bishop smirks, "Find God? Over my dead body..and a billion billion years. Ha!"

The person next to him whispers, "But what if they really find him?"

Bishop replies, "Oh come on Rabbi, get real!"

The priest ponders, "We must thank him immediately for remaining omnipresent but invisible, omniscient but unresponsive, omnipotent but unaccountable! We must have a grand yagya with ten thousand pundits!"

The mullah takes a deep sigh of satisfaction, "Yes, we must thank him asap. If it had not been for him, our children would have starved to death. There is only one god and god is great!"

If one day, suddenly, god would appear in our midst, in person, what do you think we would do? I'll tell you what we humans would do. We would bow down real low in deep reverence, then we would lynch him to death, then we would mummify him for all future deification purposes. Thats how we humans would fix accountability and responsibility. A mummified god would perhaps be as useful (or more) as an invisible god.

Looking for God is perhaps as futile as looking for glasses that you are already wearing. You are looking, but are you seeing? Its interesting being a human, living in human times, on a human planet, doing inhuman things once in a while and trying to preserve humanity all along. The contradictions, contraindications, contrasts, contracts, contractions and the whole rigmarole of paradoxes just twists you around like a wet cloth being drained of water. (In the end we too are hung out to dry.) As a human, I can say that if it had not been for the small mercies that each of us metes out on our fellow creatures and on nature herself each day, we would have become extinct long ago. If you are looking for God, look for him in those small mercies.

Lazy Bones and Creative Minds

The winter this year in Delhi seems especially trying. Its such bone cracking chill outside and inside the home that I have to keep drinking tea and coffee and run to the loo every half hour. Pissing is almost as annoying as getting out of the bed in the morning. There's just too much exposure! My grey cells have gelled like the diesel in my car. My car refuses to start in the morning. My brain refuses to start forever. Even in summers. I was wondering if I'm chronically lazy. Or terminally. Or genetically, coz my brother shares some of my lazy traits. Either I'm too distracted or I'm in a stupor. Mind is either a cesspool of bubbling slimy ideas or is squeaky clean like my just harpiced toilet bowl. Well what do you know, there are others in this world who mirror me and my predicament; who share my guilty conscience. Read this interesting article on laziness - http://positivesharing.com/2006/03/my-lazy-life. My guilt at not being able to accomplish on a daily basis reduced considerably after reading it. I'm just not that! Of course I remember the days when I slogged like a beaver on a mission. But thats the point, I need a mission, something creative enough, and some freedom to think and act. Alas, 'mission' and 'creativity' have ended up becoming PR catchwords for corporations desperate to attract talent. But they don't understand that talent is developed, realised and retained; not attracted. There are three kinds of workers - Ants at one end of the spectrum and Leo Da Vincis at the other end. And transition guys in the middle. Employers should realise who is who and assign work to them accordingly. Otherwise creative people are easy to frustrate. I wish I could become the transition guy. I know I was at one time. But time and age push you towards rigidity of ways and hierarchy pushes you towards conformation to systems. Now thats another big dilemma!
I tell you, when you are lying on your bed and wondering where your next meal is going to come from, there are no dilemmas.
Thats when it helps to just close your eyes and fall asleep..ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...