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Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Sunday, April 21, 2019

No Bark, No Bite

Once upon a time, in a big and diverse country, there lived two large communities—Group Ma and Group Mi—among several smaller communities. Group Ma was the biggest and Group Mi the second biggest in numbers.

Group Mi people traditionally ate tree bark. A vast majority of Group Ma also ate tree bark, but on special occasions, they chose not to. On those special occasions, which were special for Group Ma but not for Group Mi, the Group Mi people continued to eat tree bark.

American Signage: A Journey through America

I like to read words and interpret them. I like to think about what they mean. I want to get into the head of the person who wrote them. Why did they say so? What were they going through in life when they wrote that. All this mulling makes me a slow reader. But for me, half of the joy of reading is imagining and charting out the unsaid landscape behind and beyond words---be it a literary novel, a children's illustrated book, or a business non-fiction.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

News from 2084, Issue 6: Raghuram in Autonomy Furore

★21 January 2084, Staff Reporter, Indraprastha★

While institutional autonomy was amended out of the Indian constitution in 2019 to 'prevent discord in society', in a shocking incident, a high-level constitutional authority was caught thinking unconstitutionally.

Monday, November 26, 2018

News from 2084, Issue 5: Odd-Even Starts Again

★20 January 2084, Agencies, Indraprastha★

Government today began the implementation of its election promise to fight pollution in the capital. People will henceforth be categorised as 'Odd' or 'Even' based on their looks.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

News from 2084, Issue 4: Breakthrough in Traditional Medicine

★19 January 2084, Staff Reporter, Gwalaheri★

In a major breakthrough, scientists at Nim Huckim Paramparik Aushadhi Kendra (NHPAK) claim to have developed a health drink that can cure such dangerous illnesses as cancer, AIDS, schizophrenia, homosexuality, and love.

Monday, November 19, 2018

News from 2084, Issue 3: SC Upholds Cricket Ban

★18 January 2084, Staff Reporter, Indraprastha★

Ruling in favour of the government, the Supreme Court yesterday declared cricket illegal under the Bharatiya Sanskriti Act (BS Act). It took the government 64 years to finally achieve this feat after decades of public campaigns and re-education.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Honknuts

So, I was driving home the other night, and the weather in Delhi was especially lovely. Not too cold, not too hot, just right. I rolled down my car windows to enjoy the cool breeze outside. (Thankfully, the pollution wasn't too bad either.) What really spoiled it for me was the constant honking of cars and bikes. It was so bad that it could leave a normal person rattled and traumatized if exposed to it for above-average duration. Not to mention, the loss of hearing.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The One In Which Gulliver Is Bored and Calls Newton for Advice




Destiny washed Gulliver up on the shores of the island nation, Lilliput, a kingdom ruled by minuscule intellectuals.

Gulliver’s ship was wrecked during his long voyage. Floating on a rotting plank, he was desperately seeking terra firma. It was a blessing that the tropical storm that thrashed him one night also deposited him on the shores of Lilliput.

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Donkey Donuts

The guy who brings donuts is popular.

He may not have any talents or skills, but if the organization is big enough, he'll rise high.

Friday, November 04, 2011

The Situation Room

Sanjay: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a grave situation. From where I stand, I can’t see shit!"

Agatha: "I’m pretty sure it was the butler. Why else would the tea be cold?"

Albert: "Totally out of tune, totally out of tune! He couldn’t have been going that fast."

Ali: "I should’ve moved sooner. The bloody butterfly stung me!"

Coco: "Frills, frills, frills! Come on people! Show some class!"

Mohan: "Can we all just calm down for a while? Look, guys, I’m not in favour of this division."

Howard: "What? You want money? Money you want? Let’s start all over again."

Marie: "If she can do it once, she can very well do it once more. I wish I had some lead in me!"

Winston: "I say that we go for Cuban cigars. The lightning bolts here make me edgy."

Joseph: "Ah! Finally! Glad you agree. I’m going to continue west. And I’m going to sunbathe naked."

Yudi: "Thanks, guys, for your vote of confidence. I’ll be honest: people are dumb. So it’s settled. It’s going to be strip poker. Yay! Where’s Tommy?"

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Dudette Discovers Garlic!

FADE IN.

GREATER KAILASH, SOUTH DELHI BUNGALOW. A POSH HOUSE TASTEFULLY FURNISHED.
The camera pans the drawing room and moves toward the kitchen as Dudette passes in front of the camera straying into the kitchen by mistake.
INT. KITCHEN. DAY.
Mom has a white thing in her right hand, trying to crush it on the kitchen granite slab.

DUDETTE
Mom what is that?

MOM
It's a pod of garlic beta.
DUDETTE
Garlic as in garlic bread and vampires?
MOM
Ummmm...yes.
DUDETTE
Pod as in IPod?
MOM
Ummmmm...distantly related.
DUDETTE
Wow! Cool! Wait till I tell my friends
that garlic came from IPods!
MOM
No no it's just the word! Actually
garlic came first. Try to...
DUDETTE
Yeah whatever mom. What are you doing
with it?
MOM
I'm removing its skin.
DUDETTE
Oh okay. But why are you killing it?
MOM
Oh, I'm just crushing its knotty head
so that its easier to peel its skin!
DUDETTE
Awesome mom! Can you imagine the world's
reaction when it knows how easy it is to
skin a garlic pod? Wait, let me record
this on my cell. It will get millions of
hits on YouTube! I'll be famous! I'll be
rich!
Mom slaps her forehead with her left palm and shakes her head left to right looking down at the garlic pod.
DUDETTE
Hahahahaha! That was so funny! Wait wait,
do that again, do that again!

FADE INTO BLACK.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Tips for a Good Morning Walk

[Glorious outcome of a recent bout of insomnia, acquisition of heavily discounted walking shoes, and mending of centrally torn track pants.]

  • Wash your face, brush and have half a glass of water before you leave. It helps to feel fresh and recharged and alert enough to avoid the odd early morning rash driver.
  • Leave five minutes before sunrise so that you can watch the sun rise over the horizon just as you're beginning. It’s beautiful! Like a bright orange Poppins sneaking out of its hiding place.
  • Don't drive your way to the nearest park. Your tubeless radials will lose weight, not you.
  • Don’t force yourself to walk fast. At least to begin with, in the first few days while you're still gathering the enthusiasm, just amble, just stroll aimlessly, saunter, drift, meander, loiter leisurely. Look around. Take in the sights and sounds. Think of childhood games and sports. Or don’t think at all.
  • If you're as lazy as I am, then don’t impose a target or objective on yourself. You will never wake up in the first place! Mind games! These days, the objective is not to lose weight or become thin. The objective it to prevent muscular atrophy and joint logjams.
  • Keep changing your routes. It’s boring to go round and round the park bumping into the same people who you've seen everyday but don’t know anything about. Also, its really really awkward!
  • Avoid routes where disadvantaged people relieve themselves. Respect their privacy and your olfactory nerves.
  • Talk to dogs on the way. Shoo away cats. Shout at birds. Stay out of the way of cows and bulls.
  • Don’t make eye contact with anyone you can’t talk to. And if you do have company, then talk lightly, don't shout like a hick.
  • Don’t stare at women, fat people and people making strange movements and sounds. Be conscious of your own gender, flab and wrong timing of birth.
  • Dress flatteringly. No point flaunting your skinny calves, flabby triceps and sagging gluteus maximus. It’s important to look stylish so that everyone can enjoy the view in the park.
  • Hum. Occasionally.
  • Travel light. Just carry your tiniest cell phone. Or none at all. Leave your wallet at home. You can’t buy your way to good health. Don't expect to get solicited either.
  • Walk for at least 20 minutes. Or just enough for you to not scramble to reach for your inhaler.
  • Don't get too ambitious too soon. Get medical insurance before you bust a lung or pop a vein.
  • Jogging is NOT walking. It's a whole different ballgame that is outside the purview of my experience, understanding and imagination. It's a separate matter that I don't have medical insurance either.
  • Walk close to home just in case you need to rush back to take an urgent call from nature.
  • When you're back home, don’t lose the get-up immediately. Preserve the show for some time. Feel the health seeping in. Watch the smugness on your face in a full length mirror. Feel the adipose being disposed. Walk around or read the paper like that till you start feeling too hot for comfort. Or till your better half reminds you of you being the worse half.
----

Jokes apart, this blog post is the most popular on my godforsaken blog. Lots of people come here looking for genuine information on walking and morning walks. I almost feel like a cheat by making light of the whole thing :) So I thought I should add some 'useful' information. Here are some links:

I hope this helps. Let me know.

    Thursday, May 31, 2007

    hw dz it mattr nywayz?

    Middle-aged, potbellied and hairy Rajiv Ji enters the cyber cafe with his lanky teenage son Ishaan in tow. Rajiv ji is wearing an oversized t-shirt over longish ‘shorts’ and pair of worn hawai chappals. Ishaan is wearing a black tee, blue jeans, black sandals and a sombre look.

    Rajiv ji to cyber café guy: “We want to check IIT-JEE results. My son heard that they’re releasing it online today.”
    “Do you have an account Sir?”
    “No.”
    “Ok, you could browse for an hour for 20 Rupees or you could take a membership and one month validity coupon for 50 Rupees.”
    “I don’t have much work, so I think first option is ok.”
    “Take the coupon. You can use it again if you don’t finish it today. Its valid for a month.”

    Rajiv ji looks at Ishaan and asks, “What do you say? Will you use it?” Pause. Ishaan is staring at the floor. “Bolo! If you will use it then I’ll take it. Its valid for a month.” Ishaan slowly nods his bowed head from left to right, indicating ‘OK’.

    Slowly, Ishaan sits on a comp. His dad sits next to him. Ishaan opens a notebook. Reads something from it. Carefully types on the keyboard and a page starts downloading. Rajiv ji peers into the screen trying to decipher the digital mumbo-jumbo. Ishaan is reading the text without speaking and is clicking from time to time. Rajiv ji can read it too, but after a while he asks Ishaan.

    “So? What does it say? Are the results out or not?”
    “No Papa.”
    “Then when is it going to come out?”
    “I’m checking papa.”

    After 5 minutes more of checking, Rajiv ji is impatient.

    “What is it?”
    “Doesn’t say anything Papa.”
    “Then how will you know? Ask your friend Vidur.”
    “I asked Papa. I will email them Papa.”
    “Ok you do that. I’m going home now. Come back soon.”
    “Ok Papa.”

    Rajiv ji’s second foot was not out of the café before Ishaan’s fingers started flying across the keyboard.

    “dublyoodublyoodublyoodotorkutdotcomenter.”

    Ishaan’s profile photo has him in low waist anti-fits and spikey-gelled hair and his best mate Janice by his side.

    23 new scraps.

    Scrap from @$$k!kr: “hey hus da chix in da pix?”
    Reply to @$$k!kr: “ma buddy kul 4m skul. nw fukoff k?”
    Scrap from ne~^~ha: “hey hansm watz ur futr plans?”
    Reply to ne~^~ha: “no idea dn care nywayz. Dads goin bzerk!”
    Scrap from \/iduR: “hey bro sup? reslt ka kya hua? tensd!”
    Reply to \/iduR: “No nus yt. gand fati padi hai! u cumn 2 chil @ priya evng?”
    Scrap from $/\m|r: “dude u online?”
    Reply to $/\m|r: “q? kya hai be? u alwyz on orkut! no odr wrk jakazz?”
    Scrap from \m/ju$t|n\m/: “yo lissn lifs bitchn dun fink I’ll mak it.”
    Reply to \m/ju$t|n\m/: “okzzz jus hang on. u hafta luk 4 smthn difrnt.”
    Scrap to shirley: “hey babe meet me @ priya @ 7 k?”
    Scrap to ananya: “hi sweets wana meet @ priya 2mrw 7?”

    Ishaan hollers at the café guy, “Bhaiya! Why don’t you have limewire on this machine?”

    Saturday, May 26, 2007

    Chronicles of Bunty: It Could Be You!

    Bunty cut sharp left and screeched to a halt next to the footpath under a shady tree. He took out his Nokia N70 and called Pummy.

    "Where are you?" he barked.

    "Arre I'm just reaching na!" came the reply.

    Bunty's face contorted. He made a quick calculation. 'Just reaching' would mean another 30 minutes. He replied 'ok' and disconnected. 30 minutes to kill! No point in getting bored inside the SUV even though it was slightly hot outside in the May morning.

    Bunty got off his limited edition black Safari and adjusted his tight shirt's unbuttoned top button. He shook his hairy wrists and got his gold bracelets into position. He pulled up his Diesel jeans and knocked his pointy leather shoes on the tarmac. He looked left and right through his oversized shades and walked to the cold-water vendor on the footpath.

    "How much for a glass?" he asked.

    "Fifty paise, saab."

    "Ok. And how much with Lime?"

    "Two rupees."

    There was a pause while Bunty inspected the cart leaking saline water from its bottom. Bored, he shifted his attention to Bidi-Cigarette vendor.

    "Saab, should I give you a glass?" asked the water vendor.

    Bunty turned sharply and said half laughing and half mocking, "Abe you have understood me a chutiya? I dont want to die by drinking your water!"

    The water vendor was dejected. The Bidi vendor heard this and tried not to catch Bunty's gaze. Luckily, Delhi in May of 2007 wasn't as hot as most years. So you could stand outside in the mornings at least. Shades were especially cool. That, and his boredom, prompted Bunty to hum the latest Himesh Reshammiya number, a bit too loudly.

    A traffic cop drove up and parked his yellow, aged and thumping bullet behind Bunty's Safari. He removed his helmet and took out what used to be a white handkerchief and wiped his face.

    He looked at the SUV and then at Bunty and asked, "Is everything alright?"

    Bunty stopped humming and straightened up and replied in a friendly manner, "Ya ya, just waiting for someone Sir."

    The cop began watching the streaming traffic keenly. Within no time he took a step forward and extended his two and half feet hand and blocked the twenty feet road. A hapless scooterist was caught in the net. The pillion rider didn't have a helmet on.

    "License and registration please" ordered the cop.

    Bunty was watching this with much amusement. One thought crossed his mind. "Chutiye saale!" A grin plastered across his face. After some negotiations, the transaction was done and the scooter was allowed to proceed. Bunty stepped up to the cop to strike a conversation. He still had some time to kill. And no one like a cop for some masculine BC-MC chitchat. He might as well make up for the mush-talk time he's going to spend with his nagging girlfriend during the next two days in Kasauli.

    "Haraamzaade, never seem to learn!" started Bunty, "And then they blame the traffic police of harassing them..."

    The cop took the friendly cue, "Yeah! You tell me, what more can we do if these village idiots act like animals? How can we educate them? They don’t understand the laws or the traffic signs..."

    Bunty asked with a crooked smile, "So how much did you fine them?"

    "He he he...forty bucks" said the cop with a grin, "Poor buggers needed money for lunch. I'm a fair person you know..."

    "How's the business doing these days?" Bunty dared further, knowing that Delhi cops are very friendly if you talk to them in a friendly and knowing manner.

    "Things have actually improved after the orders of the High Court. People never learn you know. They still drive rashly, still don’t get pollution check done and still talk on phone while driving. With the higher fines, they're keener to deal with us than going to court. So yeah, things are looking up!" said the cop with a smile of contentment.

    Suddenly the cop jumped and darted to the middle of the road and stopped a cargo company's Maruti Van. Traffic cops had 'Spider Sense' for violaters. The driver was taking instructions on his mobile.

    "Licence and registration please." Another round of negotiations followed. Bunty was by the side of the cop this time but didn't open his mouth. Transaction closed at Rs. 100 and both of them retreated to the shade.

    "Today is the first birthday of the Sub Inspector's son. We're all contributing. I have to finish this before midday. No point standing here in the heat." the cop said.

    "Oh ok. I too want to move before it gets too hot. Driving to the hills for the weekend. With my girlfriend." Bunty said with a wink.

    Bunty got a call from a business associate of his father's and assured the 'uncle' that he will definitely visit the vendor 'tomorrow' and get the work done. The traffic flow had reduced to a trickle. The cop was getting impatient.

    "How fast does that go?" he asked looking at Bunty's Safari.

    "Fast enough to tear apart other car's asses!" guffawed Bunty.

    The Cop went up to the Safari and walked around it appreciating. It was one mammoth machine with huge Hankook tyres, beautiful golden trim, VIP dark film and sexy fancy number plates. Bunty walked along with him gloating over his possession. When they got back to the rear, he asked, "How did you like her?"

    The cop looked disinterestedly at his wrist watch and then at the sun's angle, and said,

    "License and registration please."

    Monday, May 21, 2007

    The Ordeal

    I felt a great surge of agitation envelope me. I did not know if I was dead or alive. I realised I was in one of those deep slumbers that makes you feel almost dead. Was I having a nightmare? The ringing of the distant mountain bells was coming closer and closer. Finally it pierced my skull and started drilling into the grey matter within. It was intolerably painful! I regained some consciousness - it was the wake-up alarm of my cell phone.

    I willed it to switch off automatically. But that didn't happen. I fumbled along my bedside like a drunk and managed to get hold of the phone. It felt like eons before I could manage to switch it off. And then the peace that followed was enormous! But the realisation that it was the first day of 2003 AD and I had to go to work soon made that feeling very temporary.

    Delhi was having a very chilly winter. The warm blanket felt like a mother's womb. It was 6 am. I knew that it would take me another twenty minutes to muster up enough courage to expose myself to my cold room. I lay there thinking and gathering will power.

    I thought about the people I loved and the people who loved me. I planned the day's work. I wondered about my next assignment. I felt bad for the condition of the world. I decided not to have breakfast. I tried to cook up an excuse against getting married anytime soon, that I could give to my parents. Somehow all my problems seemed to get solved if I could just do one thing right now - go back to sleep!

    I was warm but stiff. I tried moving my arms, but no success. Wiggled my toes - some success. Let me try and move a bit. I'll open my eyes the last; no point in feeling any worse than I already am. It took so much planning just to get out of bed on a winter morning. But it wasn't working. Finally, with a quick jerk, I threw the blanket onto one side and sat upright. I was numb. I opened my eyes but didn't move them. I was born! First day of the rest of my life! Quietly I cursed to myself, "Happy New Year asshole!"

    Somehow, surviving in adverse conditions gives you a kind of satisfaction that you do not get in normal and more comfortable situations. There is an immense sense of achievement even out of small things like getting up in the morning or driving to work through thick fog. You feel good about yourself. That was a challenge - a compulsory one - and I made it! Its my accomplishment for the day!

    Two hours later I was done with the newspaper, tea, motions, shave, bath and dressed to kill. I locked the house and strode off to the car with a purpose in life. I don't know what it was, but I felt it there - somewhere within.

    I did have breakfast - an apple.

    Monday, May 14, 2007

    Rags to Witness

    Morning. Rituals. A Mug full of strong ginger tea and Hindustan Times. Like many others, there's a "Please Don't Disturb" sign hanging on my face. I don't know how many people of my generation and the subsequent generations enjoy this age old ritual these days.

    The famous BMW case. The case that was the precursor for many such branded cases to come. The case that defined witness manipulation. The papers said today that the last witness is going to depose. The rest of them turned hostile. They reached a compromise or were bought off. Threats are futile. Money is a great motivator.

    Raju, a peon at a small courier agency in Jangpura. Tries his best to make ends meet while chewing gutkha. His twin daughters are ready to go to school. But what about books, clothes, slates, chalks and so on? His employer sometimes borrows 502s and Rajdarbars from him. So it would be ridiculous to ask him for a raise. Punjab Kesri was always somewhere nearby. Raju was not illiterate. And definitely not stupid. He knew stuff, you know! So off he went to the temple to ask for a fair chance.

    "God, you are my maibaap, you are kind, you are generous. You heart is like a river. Please cast your kind gaze upon me sometimes. I'm not asking for too much. I'm not even asking for something that is not mine. I cycle 9 kilometers every morning to office. I cycle back late sometimes. So many drunk people are driving on the roads of Delhi. Then why not give me a chance? All I ask is just one BMW or Porsche (I dont mind the brand as long as its luxury segment), one rich kid, drunk silly should provide nirvana to a fortunate soul in front of MY eyes. God all I ask is this- make me a witness! Leave the rest to me. I will earn every penny that they stuff into my mouth. God please grant this one wish and I'll put 1100 rupees worth on your feet."

    So the news channels are raking up the back of Tendulkar coz he thinks his cricket strokes are nothing short of pure art. Many of us would agree. The CAG does not. They have absolutely no cricketing or artistic sense. Anyway, there's this artist category which gets substantial tax exemption. The Income Tax department will soon come up with a new category called the 'Hostile Witness' category. The Finance Secretary has noted that the government loses a lot of revenue in this category. They need to be appropriately taxed. If needed, give them a small exemption in view of the trauma they had to go through, but get them under the tax net.

    I heard Witness Protection! Who said that? Who said witness protection?? Are you stupid? You think the government is stupid? Remember, the government is never stupid, just not informed enough. In this case the government knows how much it costs to protect witnesses who are better off making big bucks as hostile witnesses. The government cares for the greatest good, for the greatest numbers. There's always one victim but so many witnesses. Why victimise them? Let witness protection be the sole responsibility of the defence side. We, the government, are already burdened by the ridiculously high salary of the public prosecutor. Hey, we don't want to screw around with the Budget Deficit any more. Okay?

    Wednesday, April 18, 2007

    Doodh Ka Doodh...

    Mrs. Sharma was a long time resident of Doctors Apartments. Her buttocks were so heavy that you would think that they were a part of the apartments' foundation. Mrs. Sharma was a stickler for hygiene and cleanliness. Thats why she would often look outside her balcony with disgust. The thing was that the footpath across the south west corner boundary of Doctors Apartments had a massive Delhi style garbage dump and the garbage always spilled out onto the road, which attracted all kinds of gourmands. Cows, crows, dogs and rag pickers were regular patrons of the joint. What Mrs. Sharma couldn't digest was the stench that wafted into her house whenever the southern winds blew a bit too excitedly.

    "Chhi!" she would remark, "Good I didn't vote for anybody during Municipal election. MCD anyway doesn't clean this mess. One day I'll die of this stench. Why dont you do something?" she would lob at Mr. Sharma who would try harder to evade her gaze by burying his head deeper into the morning papers.

    "Are you listening? Do you want me to die?"

    Mr. Sharma always wondered if he will be arrested or ostracised if he actually answered that question. He wasn't the kinds who like to shake things up. Moreover, his nose had become insensitive to the smell that disturbed the residents only once in a while.

    You could give the credit for Mrs Sharma's excellent rump to Ombir's milk. Mrs Sharma wanted only the best for her family. So she only trusted fresh cow's milk.

    "Oh God Mrs. Gogia, have you seen how they carry that Mother Dairy milk in trucks. It looks like it was produced in a petroleum refinery. And God only knows how old that milk is. Our Ombir brings only the milk drawn in the morning. Have you seen how much 'malai' I get out of it?"

    So thats the secret of Mrs. Sharma's health - the cream from Ombir's milk. Mrs. Gogia would only nod her head in mock agreement and hate the fact that Mrs. Sharma's hind was more majestic than her own.

    Mrs. Sharma kept three litres of Ombir's milk everyday. She forced four glasses down the throats of her teenagers Roshan and Roshni - two in the morning and two in the evening. She made tea, kheer, gajar ka halwa, shakes and many other healthy items out of that milk. She loved it so much.

    Ombir was a strapping Jatt from Dallupura village. If only he'd shave, he'd look like Arjun Rampal. He had a small dairy that belonged to his family. He made a good income supplying milk to residents of Vasundhara Enclave and Mayur Vihar. His prized posession was his powerful Enfield Bullet that never had a legible number plate. He was also proud of his young milch cow 'Doodhia'. No she wasn't called Doodhia because she gave good milk, but because she was white like milk. Nevertheless, Doodhia would loyally squeeze out of her udders 3-4 litres of milk every morning. Ombir made sure that it was appropriately 'monetized'. So he would shout out to his nephew,

    "Oye Jitender! Make sure you mix equal amount of water. These meydum jis and their kids in the high-rises have weak stomachs. I don't want any complaints of impure milk."

    Jitender would diligently get 'clean looking' water from the local rusty municipal tap or handpump or from wherever he could, and make 8 out of 4.

    Now Doodhia being young, was also foot-loose. Her light feet took her farther than other cows. She would roam around Trilokpuri, Dallupura, Vasundhara Enclave and nearby areas. She was free to go wherever she wanted to, but she would instinctively return to her master at sundown. She was free to choose her own grub. Ombir, being the liberal he was, never stopped her from experimenting. So off she went checking out various diners in her area of influence. Grass was good, juicy leaves were better but those were hard to come by. But last night's shahi paneer, rajma masala and sundry vegetable peels? Well, now we're talking gourmet food. Now and then, she would join other regulars, Kali, Tommy, Kaw-Kaw, Raju and such, for a hearty meal; often at the dump opposite Mrs. Sharma's. More than once Doodhia has noticed Mrs. Sharma casting a disgusted look towards her.

    "She's just jealous of my rear end." Doodhia would conclude.

    "Chhi chhi chhi! These animals eat anything!" Mrs. Sharma would say while loudly slurping her morning tea made out of Doodhia's milk.

    Monday, April 16, 2007

    Let Me Summarise - Our Love of the Gist

    I took this pop-quiz that rates your life. Even while you're answering the really straightforward questions, you can make out how you're doing. But then there's the joy of watching all that in the form of bar graphs and decimals.

    We human beings have a strong attraction for summaries. We love the fact that our birth chart can predict when we're going to 'drop out'. We love the thing that the lines on our palm can tell others how screwed we really are. Isn't it great that your percentile score in CAT or GMAT can almost accurately predict your pay package in 3 years time and yet reveal nothing about your ethical character?

    Corporate honchos have a special love for charts, graphs and figures. They can see their popularity, commission and wife's love rise and fall with the revenue and profits graph. I would say that one look at the faces of your employees early Wednesday morning can tell you more about your company's performance than all the stats churned out by your overpaid accountants.

    'Screaming Headlines' Do headlines really scream? Yes, they do. They scream out the entire story in a few words. Its supposed to attract your attention to the story but what it really does for me is that it tells me whether the story is worth reading. The louder the scream, the more suspect the content. But I too fall into the trap of sensationalism sometimes. News these days is more entertainment than news; more advertisement than information, even if it is about rape, murder and elections. I guess we still read and watch news just because we want a pre-packaged, easily digestible, least involving, distance maintaining, hygienic way of interacting with society at large. Its a hard-to-resist summary of the world around you.

    Every religious leader worth his donations account and every prophet worth his sombre look has tried to summarise life for us. Some such aphorisms come to my mind - Love thy neighbour (but don't get caught); God is Great (but Devil comes close); Take the Middle Path (but don't get crushed). [The words in brackets are not mine but additional notes by charlatans and realists down the ages] Don't we just love these lines? Sometimes they inspire, sometimes they simplify and some other times, they rectify. Religion is nothing but spiritual fast food. Pre-packaged, quickly delivered, easily eatable and quite filling. On top of that, inexpensive. Just imagine how much more difficult life would be if each one of us were to develop his or her own personal religion. (But some of us like to rough it out.)

    I guess we love summaries because life is too complex to be understood in bits and pieces.

    This Is My Life, Rated
    Life:
    6.5
    Mind:
    7.5
    Body:
    7.3
    Spirit:
    7.5
    Friends/Family:
    4.9
    Love:
    1.4
    Finance:
    4.7
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    Saturday, April 07, 2007

    KBC, Shah Rukh aur Tum

    So the other day I was at the Dutta Roys in Andrewsganj. KBC was going on flat-out on the flat screen. It may seem idiotic, but I don't own an idiot box. So whenever I'm here, its a novelty to watch TV. I love quizzing too, so I was gleefully answering Shah Rukh's questions(all correctly) and had reached the 6 lakh Rupees mark. Piyali's odd remark broke my concentration.

    "Bhaiya Shah Rukh khan ko manners nahin hain." She said.

    "Matlab?" I asked.

    "Wo badon ko bhi 'Tum' bolta hai." Piyali explained

    "Kya baat kar rahi ho? Ho hi nahin sakta!" I said incredulously.

    "Haan bhaiya, use baat karni nahin aati." Piklu seconded with force.

    Now I had to see and hear this for myself. I couldn't believe that Shah Rukh, a pucca North Indian, didn't know the basic manners of addressing people and elders.

    Dominic(Dom), a late fortysh gentleman from Mumbai, was on the hot seat. With some white strands and some appropriate wrinkles, he looked much older than Shah Rukh. This was a real test now. Just then Shah Rukh Khan said something like, "Tumne first stage paar kar liya hai.." or something to that effect. I was flabbergasted! Afsos! Galat Jawab!

    Once while riding my Bajaj Super scooter, a tiny bug fell into my left eye. The feeling was similar. It was sudden, unexpected, it was odd, incongruous, out of place and stung like hell! The thing is that in normal Hindi conversation you always address strangers, youngsters and elders as 'aap'. 'Tum' is reserved for your wife, girlfriend, little kids, friends and some other categories of economic class (like your maid or driver or car washer). 'Tu' is strictly for close friends, brothers, sisters etc. It is normal for me, having lived in Delhi for almost fourteen years, to follow this linguistic culture. Most people I know follow these rules. In fact I know no one who doesn't. The Dutta Roys are Bengalis, I'm an Oriya and we too know these nuances. Thats why when I heard what Shah Rukh said, it didn't just come across as wrong, it came across as if something is not right with the picture. Something just doesn't fit. Like a smudge on a clean mirror. Like a mole on Mona Lisa's nose. It wasn't just wrong, it felt ugly.

    The other thing that really puzzles me still is that Shah Rukh Khan has lived in Delhi long enough to know this. Then why would he commit such a disgrace? Does it have to do something with Bollywood's scriptwriters, who for ages have made heroes address the villains as 'tum'? Since a long long time, I've noticed that many Hindi film heroes do this, "Main tumhein nahin chhodunga!" Or, "Tum mera kuch nahin bigad sakte!" Of course the villains reciprocated, "Main tumhari maa behen ek kar doonga." Whats with all the respect? 'Tu' should be the word here. If you want to check if this is right, then go watch the usual brawl on Delhi roads. I think Bollywood is obsessed with 'Tum' and therefore, the professional that Shah Rukh is, the script has just seeped into his neurons. Its high time someone corrected him. This is a live family show, not a Bollywood matinée.

    The English have it easy. No degrees of respect. So no confusion and no disrespect. Most Indian languages and cultures are developed enough to have two or three degrees of respect. Although, the respect denoted by 'tu', 'tum' and 'aap' can be different for different languages. For instance, in Oriya, 'Aapono' is for strangers, 'tommay' is for elder relatives and 'tu' is for real close relatives, friends and brothers and sisters. So I address my dad as 'tommay', my mom, my mausis, my nani and cousins as 'tu' and my brother as 'kutte'. ;)

    Friday, March 09, 2007

    Smile At Will

    Smile every opportunity you get to do so. Even if you dont, look at a tree, a leaf or the sky and smile. For me, I have this photo of Preity Zinta on my desktop. Sometimes I just look at her and smile. Smiles are so important. For me, when I smile, I feel so invigorated and optimistic. Suddenly, everything's just fine. :) Earlier I used to take my smile for granted. Then came a period when people made me very conscious of my smile by telling me what effect it had on them. But of late, I'm happy about my smile because of the effect its having on me. I smile best when I smile alone-at a thought, a tune, a view, a sound, a face, a gesture or just Preity smiling back at me :) A smile is the quickest way I can cheer myself up-and I need a lot of cheering these days. So I dont lose any opportunity to smile. :)