"I Can't Breathe"

Photo by Markus Spiske from Pexels

Decades ago, when I was a schoolboy, something had happened that I was reminded of this week. I was at my study table, poring over my textbooks, engrossed, when I was mildly distracted by a tiny black ant.

On Not Knowing and Knowing Too Much

Whoever said 'ignorance is bliss' wasn't kidding.

There was a time when I didn't know much and I was happy.

My time on earth can be divided into life before internet and life with internet. The 1980s were a simple time in India. Two channels on TV; video games were monochrome, with two buttons and expensive for ordinary folks. I spent most of my time playing outside/inside or reading random non-curriculum shit.

A Scoop of Ice Cream

People don't want to die for their religion. They will die for a scoop of ice cream! But since they can't afford it, they choose religion. What does life promise the youth of the world? There are no jobs, there are too many vested interests screwing up economies, weather is getting worse by the day. And there's no ice cream, and alcohol is banned by a-holes. So what will they do in life, with life? At least religion promises a great afterlife---full of pride and luxury and the opportunity for all kinds of debauchery. And maybe even a scoop of ice cream.

What Will You Do?

WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR LIBERTY
IF YOU’RE NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE?

WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR FREEDOM
IF YOU'RE CAGED BY YOUR EGO?

WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR RIGHT TO DO SOMETHING
IF YOU FAIL TO DO ANYTHING?

The Indian Lynching League

Today is an apt day for this idea:

How about we start an Indian Lynching League?

There's massive talent in this country for this glorious, age-old, national sport of lynching. People have been lynching in India as amateurs and part-timers for hundreds of years now! It's time to professionalize and commercialize it.

Bullshit is Content

These are the days of content.

 

Text, audio, video, graphics, gifs, photos, JPEGs, animations, motion pictures, 2D, 3D, music, white noise, pink noise, SMS, tweets, newsfeeds, games, apps, blogs, HDTV, FM radio, pulp fiction, literary fiction, non-fiction, memos, minutes, emails, reports, excel sheets, PowerPoint presentations, and so on and so forth—things that are making the world go round.

The Indian Incontinent

Almost in all major metros of the hot Indian subcontinent, a cloud cover is a welcome development with distinct foreboding overtones. Especially if it is a weekday, you know it's going to be cool outside, but you dread the traffic if it so much as drizzles. It's a good thing, but it's a bummer; you want to be happy, but you're being held back -- a schizophrenic feeling, adding to the already bipolar nature of an Indian metro, where the uber-rich live alongside the uber-poor,  where a Bentley is stuck in the same jam as a Luna. Why do they have to wait for a flood to declare a public holiday? Do it when you see the clouds in the horizon; we will telecommute. I promise I'll work! The geography of India is not weird, it's our cities -- they're just tumorous now. I can't help but crack a crude joke: "Is this the Indian subcontinent or the Indian incontinent?"

Honknuts

So, I was driving home the other night, and the weather in Delhi was especially lovely. Not too cold, not too hot, just right. I rolled down my car windows to enjoy the cool breeze outside. (Thankfully, the pollution wasn't too bad either.) What really spoiled it for me was the constant honking of cars and bikes. It was so bad that it could leave a normal person rattled and traumatized if exposed to it for above-average duration. Not to mention, the loss of hearing.

Hierarchical Sloth

"What the fuck is this?"
"What? This is the final product."
"You're going to sell it like this?"
"Yeah. What's wrong with it?"
"This is crap! This is bullshit, man!"
"Hey, it's been approved by the top-management. And we don't have time to re-do it. We have to meet our targets, the retailer is waiting for stocks, the designer has been paid once already and no one really gives a shit. Just let it pass, dude."
"No I wont! Coz I FUCKING CARE ABOUT THIS SHIT!!"
"Suit yourself, bud. It's your funeral."

To Hell With It!

Another year, another autumn...

A swinging club,
and yet another yell:
"Move along, move along!"

A sign for the caravan
to pack up and leave.
To move on...

Ma'am destiny,
you think you're very funny?
Alright, I'll play along:
"Ha."

But, to all your vicious barbs,
here's my repartee:
"To hell with it!"

Mediocrity

He is bobbing like an unnamed cork
in a sea of mediocrity.
And there is a tempest of inanity
thrashing him about.
There's a storm of inefficients
lashing him about.

The behemoth of a system --
A spherical rock-mountain of rigidities,
A juggernaut of ghastly proportions --
It pardons those who abide,
Protects those who lie,
Nurtures those who shirk and
deify its mammoth edifice.

Mediocre is the new norm.
It's the garb of official uniform.
Mediocres love mediocres.
And despise everything out of box.
In the warm, cozy embrace of their likes,
Inefficiency is lulled to sleep
with sugar-coated excuse pills.
Ah! You don't recognise
the efficiency of inefficiency?
Cap your imagination buddy.
Or off to Section '84!

The boulder rolls on inexorably.
Dragging the coins
of the unsuspecting benefactors
in its wake --
They who out of humble reverence,
believe -- Mass Is the New God.

If money is the new token of your worth,
Once, I was afraid to die mediocre,
Today, I'm afraid to live poor.

Murders on Camera

The nausea is palpable. It has always been - whenever I read about the barbarity of Gujarat riots - of ripped foetuses and ravished little girls. I cant take it anymore. I cant rationalise my/our existence along with what we do anymore. I dont think the human race deserves to survive after the evil we do and have done. What game is this? If this is how we are supposed to be, then let me not have the ability to feel the pain, to remorse, to shed tears on the mutilated genitals of an innocent man. Thinkers, citizens, sages and worldly-wise politicians - all suggest not to be sad because there is enough goodness still remaining in this world to justify our continuance as a race and to salvage us out of our misery. But tell that to the man whose children were chased around before being hacked, piece by piece, in front of his eyes. Aren't we somehow a part of that brutal melodrama? Aren't we related to those children in that faraway part of this country? Aren't we responsible somehow? I can see the salvaging goodness in me, my friends, my family and several general people all around me. But somehow, all that goodness does not aggregate in a way to compensate for all the evil in us and for all the vile, ugly things we have done. It's just not fair! And I can't take it any more. I wish an asteroid would hit us and wipe out the human race. I wish an earthquake would flatten us all. I wish a black plague would make us extinct. We all deserve to die. Either that, or just me.

Kickback Grandé

When it comes to the sheer scale of corruption, we Indians are nothing short of nanobots. Western nations exist at the scale of Diplodocus Giganticus! Poor Rajiv Gandhi got bludgeoned for a measly 64 crores of Indian Rupees and the ghost of the Bofors Scandal has never left the tail of the Congress party. Fortunately for them, corruption in India has risen like the inflation and the Dearness Allowance paid to Central Government employees. 600 crores of Lalloo's is a benchmark now. But the UP bureaucrat who got caught recently is insisting on putting all politicians to shame. I kinda feel happy that Indians have so much loose cash to grease palms. On the other hand I feel sad that majority of Indians are getting cheated out of some quality public utility.

International defence procurements and kickback-grandé go hand in hand. Since childhood I've been shocked and very much amused at how governments pay off governments so that one government can order stuff from another government. Defence manufacturers world over, be it Bofors or BAE or Boeing, are privately held only for the name. They are government enterprises for all practical reasons. They get subsidies, research and technical support, and they even get commercial intelligence through commercial espionage by the country's spy agency. The embassies of their countries go whole-heartedly into promoting their cause. Their parliamentary representatives push their case whenever they visit the buying nation. Is this their weakness or their strength that they have to seek government support? And why this blatant acceptance of bribery in Defence deals the world over? Shouldn't business logic and economics triumph automatically?

Here is an article that puts several things into perspective. I really liked this insightful article into corruption in defence deals. It's a backgrounder on the ongoing Saudi-BAE corruption scandal. It's fun to see the Americans walking over red hot coals coz of this deal! ;)

ETHICS ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE BAE!
Larry Elliott, economics editor
Monday December 18, 2006
The Guardian

Imagine that you are the French trade minister, keen to derail the global trade talks for fear that they will result in a wholesale dismantling of the Common Agricultural Policy. It's been an uphill struggle but at last help is at hand.

The next time Tony Blair calls Jacques Chirac to insist that he must face down protests from angry French farmers and stand up for free trade, there is a perfect one-word response: BAE.

Imagine you are the leader of a small, poor, African country with a troubled past and a cavalier approach to pluralism and democracy. Indeed, the crackdown on dissidents has become so blatant in recent months that the Department for International Development will cut off British aid unless the standard of governance is improved. As Hilary Benn repeats his prime minister's mantra - help for Africa is a deal for a deal, aid in return for a crackdown on corruption - you whisper one word: BAE. Read more..

The Tatas are planning to get into the Military-Industrial Complex in a big way. With their strict adherence to ethics, will they be able to survive?

Why was Robert Killed?

I just finished watching the movie 'Bobby' based on the events leading to the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy. The movie ends with the following speech. As I heard the speech, I was surprised at how relevant it is now as it was then! Haven't we changed at all? What about America? This was in 1968. Robert Kennedy was championing withdrawing from Vietnam and end to the rift between races. Where has US come since then? Who killed Bobby? Why did he have to die? Just because he was on the side of what humanity actually stands for? What lessons can India derive from the history of our Democratic elder?

The movie is a good watch but the following speech is a must read! If you can hear it toward the end of the movie, the whole speech will actually hit you.

Remarks of Senator Robert F. Kennedy to the Cleveland City Club, Cleveland, Ohio, April 5, 1968, aka, "On Mindless Menace Of Violence" speech.

"This is a time of shame and sorrow. It is not a day for politics. I have saved this one opportunity to speak briefly to you about this mindless menace of violence in America which again stains our land and every one of our lives.

It is not the concern of any one race. The victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are, most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. No one – no matter where he lives or what he does – can be certain who will suffer from some senseless act of bloodshed. And yet it goes on and on.

Why? What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr’s cause has ever been stilled by his assassin’s bullet.

No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero; and an uncontrolled, uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness, not the voice of the people.

Whenever any American’s life is taken by another American unnecessarily – whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence – whenever we tear at the fabric of life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded.

"Among free men,” said Abraham Lincoln, “there can be no successful appeal from the ballot to the bullet; and those who take such appeal are sure to lose their cause and pay the costs.”

Yet we seemingly tolerate a rising level of violence that ignores our common humanity and our claims to civilization alike. We calmly accept newspaper reports of civilian slaughter in far off lands. We glorify killing on movie and television screens and call it entertainment. We make it easy for men of all shades of sanity to acquire weapons and ammunition they desire.

Too often we honor swagger and bluster and the wielders of force; too often we excuse those who are willing to build their own lives on the shattered dreams of others. Some Americans who preach nonviolence abroad fail to practice it here at home. Some who accuse others of inciting riots have by their own conduct invited them.

Some looks for scapegoats, others look for conspiracies, but this much is clear; violence breeds violence, repression brings retaliation, and only a cleaning of our whole society can remove this sickness from our soul.

For there is another kind of violence, slower but just as deadly, destructive as the shot or the bomb in the night. This is the violence of institutions; indifference and inaction and slow decay. This is the violence that afflicts the poor, that poisons relations between men because their skin has different colors. This is a slow destruction of a child by hunger, and schools without books and homes without heat in the winter.

This is the breaking of a man’s spirit by denying him the chance to stand as a father and as a man among other men. And this too afflicts us all. I have not come here to propose a set of specific remedies nor is there a single set. For a broad and adequate outline we known what must be done. “When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies – to be met not with cooperation but with conquest, to be subjugated and mastered.

We learn, at the last, to look at our bothers as aliens, men with whom we share a city, but not a community, men bound to us in common dwelling, but not in common effort. We learn to share only a common fear – only a common desire to retreat from each other – only a common impulse to meet disagreement with force. For all this there are no final answers.

Yet we know what we must do. It is to achieve true justice among our fellow citizens. The question is now what programs we should seek to enact. The question is whether we can find in our own midst and in our own hearts that leadership of human purpose that will recognize the terrible truths of our existence.

We must admit the vanity of our false distinctions among men and learn to find our own advancement in the search for the advancement of all. We must admit in ourselves that our own children’s future cannot be built on the misfortunes of others. We must recognize that this short life can neither be ennobled or enriched by hatred or revenge.

Our lives on this planet are too short and the work to be done too great to let this spirit flourish any longer in our land. Of course we cannot vanish it with a program, nor with a resolution.

But we can perhaps remember – even if only for a time – that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short movement of life, that they seek – as we do – nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.

Surely this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our hearts brothers and countrymen once again." (Source)

Click here to listen to the speech.

Immigration and the True Citizen

There is a huge debate going on in UK, Europe and other nations that attract immigrants in large numbers. In light of terror threats, governments have come to the realisation that immigrants are just not immersed enough into the culture and tradition of their host nations. Therefore, they feel disjointed from the society and harbour a deep sense of disenchantment and dislike that expresses itself in the form of terrorism or support for radical causes. Hence, the governments feels that the best way to resolve this issue is to 'localise' the immigrants and give them 'strong incentives' to adapt to their host's systems. Governments are not understanding that you cannot force-feed culture. Migrations and the results thereof are much more complicated than asking people to take a quiz that they can just mug up. Immigration is neither a win-win nor a lose-lose game. You win some, you lose some.

Human beings have always migrated - to look for food, shelter, safety or conducive weather. Most people who are migrating to UK and Europe from elsewhere are still looking for the same. These people are not migrating to a culture or religion. They are migrating to money, to a legal system. They are not beggars who need to be grateful to a benevolent Britain. Most of them are fortune hunters who had to go through severe hardships - to reach Britain, and even after reaching there, just to find their feet. They have worked hard and are still working very hard because they know they are in an unlike country, a dissimilar nation. They're not good with the language or the culture but that doesn't dismay them because there's good money to be made and they always have their own culture and religion to take solace from. The immigrants win some. And so do the hosts. Immigrants effectively lower costs of basic services. Young immigrants make sure that the demographics are not uneconomically skewed on the side of the elderly. Immigrants supply skilled and unskilled labour in severely shortaged markets. They also pump in huge tax dollars into the exchequer.

It is the power of economics exerting an influencing force on culture, tradition, systems, laws and government. If you cant take the change then forget about the economic benefits. Concessions have to be made, tolerance has to be shown. In search for the definition of a pure and true citizen, we must not insist on a rapid or drastic cultural adaptation. It is neither fair nor practical. Which South Asian ever emigrated to UK because he loved Fish-n-chips or felt grateful toward the Magna Carta? While asking the question about the true meaning of Britishness, people are forgetting that the world has moved on. Just as the moon exerts some influence on the earth's orbit and makes it a little wobbly, so will immigrants exert some influence on the culture of their hosts. Thats been happening for thousands of years in India. India was supposed to be a sexually liberal nation at some point in history. You have to see our temples to believe it. Where did Kamasutra come from? So what happened in between? How come we've become such prudes now?

Cultural change due to migration of human population is like mixing two matters with dissimilar properties. For instance, hot water and cold water. Put more hot water and you'll scald yourself. Put more cold water and you'll freeze. Too much of hot water changes the character of the water towards the hotter side. Similarly too much cold water changes the character of the water towards to colder side. But its never completely hot or completely cold; unless there is massive invasion of one matter. Then the identity of one engulfs the identity of the other. Immigration is like that. If original white Anglo-Saxons think that they can sit easy and politely ask the immigrants to try and gradually become more 'British' then they are in for a big disappointment. If you allow immigration, be prepared to get influenced in some ways. Prepare to change your own culture in some ways. Friction and turbulence are given. The definition of a 'British' person changes every time a new person crosses the immigration desks of Heathrow.

Is the approach of governments right? We need to define what a nation stands for. What is the definition of culture, identity and boundaries in this age of mixing and mingling. I insist on the basics. What makes a nation what it is? What are the values that attract immigrants? Where does the safety, the shelter, the food and the prosperity stem from? Where is the culture of the nation - on its face or in its heart? Multicultural democracies like India, UK or USA cannot be defined by one culture or one religion or even one political party. These nations can only be defined in terms of values - values that are enshrined in our founding documents - freedom, equality, opportunity to pursue happiness, and so on. The British government must relay messages of these basic values rather than external manifestations of culture. UK must help the new members of the British family to understand that the safety, security and prosperity that they have come to ticks because of these reasons.

"This nation is not what it is because women here do not wear burqas, but because women and men are treated equally. This nation is not what it is because people can speak English, but because everyone can understand each other, speak freely and express anything. This nation is not free and fair because it is populated by rich white men, but because long time back in its history, a great document called the 'Magna Carta' was written and adopted. Beyond this, you are most welcome to love(or hate) either Fish-n-chips or Hilsa in mustard gravy!"

Terror Fatigue

My Dear Terrorist fiend,

At the risk of being called insensitive toward your cause, let me just give you a heads-up - terror fatigue has set in. Your TRPs(Terror Rating Points) have fallen drastically and the Indian public is neither amused nor saddened by your show. There is no shock, there is no awe, there is not even one hee-haw. Your indiscriminate bombing of poor helpless souls is boring, tedious and old news. One looks much like the other and no one remembers which was the last one. Your 'bijli bums' are bummers leaving audience scratching their bums and wondering what was that all about. You think you're having an orgy of gore, but no one in the public is having an orgasm; just bore. Come on! Excite us! Use your imagination! Give us a show that we can gossip about even a week later! Dont forget that you're competing with scores of 'saas' and hundreds of 'bahus'. Even an afternoon soap causes more heartburn on a daily basis than you do in an entire year.

I say, if you really have to massacre in acres, why mow the people who still sow? Why kill people of faith, and those who still have faith; lives that make this nation valuable and yet are not valuable lives? Talking about 'valuable lives', the Indian public still fondly recalls the day when you guys decided to flush the house of representatives off the representatives. But your hand just didn't reach the lever. Don't you want publicity? How can you get publicity without becoming public? Why don't you show your face? Why don't you engage? We don't even know who you are or what you want anymore! What is worse is that we really don't care anymore! Your bips and boops of cellphone bombs are neither catching the signal, nor taking a call. Even Andrew Symmond's outburst makes a bigger bang than your burst out. You're hurting innocent individuals but your random pokes carry nothing but nuisance value for a nation as vast and varied as India. Get real, willya?!

I would think that you need some consultants from Hollywood to jazz up your show. Or maybe some wedding planners from Delhi to add masala to your pelvic bursts. But the problem is that the people don't really know what you stand for. You don't represent a demand; you represent frisking at malls, random roadblocks and breaking news. Thats it! You're so annoying that you cant be called a terrorist (maybe annoyist!). Your fundamentals are so screwed up that you cant be called a fundamentalist. You're hardly causing a movement to be called a revolutionary. And I wont insult any religion by calling you a holy warrior. You still don't get it, do you? In a democracy like India, the chorus is more popular than the lead singer. So where is your voice? Where is your chorus? Where is your real protest? You will find that in India, its easier to wash off blood stains from the floor than a mass movement from popular consciousness. If there is any truth in your claim, then why don't you ask for it? Come out, congregate and shout! And for a change, try something that really worked - Satyagraha.

Hope you're not doing well.
Please don't take care.

Yours dead bored,

AC.

Rags to Witness

Morning. Rituals. A Mug full of strong ginger tea and Hindustan Times. Like many others, there's a "Please Don't Disturb" sign hanging on my face. I don't know how many people of my generation and the subsequent generations enjoy this age old ritual these days.

The famous BMW case. The case that was the precursor for many such branded cases to come. The case that defined witness manipulation. The papers said today that the last witness is going to depose. The rest of them turned hostile. They reached a compromise or were bought off. Threats are futile. Money is a great motivator.

Raju, a peon at a small courier agency in Jangpura. Tries his best to make ends meet while chewing gutkha. His twin daughters are ready to go to school. But what about books, clothes, slates, chalks and so on? His employer sometimes borrows 502s and Rajdarbars from him. So it would be ridiculous to ask him for a raise. Punjab Kesri was always somewhere nearby. Raju was not illiterate. And definitely not stupid. He knew stuff, you know! So off he went to the temple to ask for a fair chance.

"God, you are my maibaap, you are kind, you are generous. You heart is like a river. Please cast your kind gaze upon me sometimes. I'm not asking for too much. I'm not even asking for something that is not mine. I cycle 9 kilometers every morning to office. I cycle back late sometimes. So many drunk people are driving on the roads of Delhi. Then why not give me a chance? All I ask is just one BMW or Porsche (I dont mind the brand as long as its luxury segment), one rich kid, drunk silly should provide nirvana to a fortunate soul in front of MY eyes. God all I ask is this- make me a witness! Leave the rest to me. I will earn every penny that they stuff into my mouth. God please grant this one wish and I'll put 1100 rupees worth on your feet."

So the news channels are raking up the back of Tendulkar coz he thinks his cricket strokes are nothing short of pure art. Many of us would agree. The CAG does not. They have absolutely no cricketing or artistic sense. Anyway, there's this artist category which gets substantial tax exemption. The Income Tax department will soon come up with a new category called the 'Hostile Witness' category. The Finance Secretary has noted that the government loses a lot of revenue in this category. They need to be appropriately taxed. If needed, give them a small exemption in view of the trauma they had to go through, but get them under the tax net.

I heard Witness Protection! Who said that? Who said witness protection?? Are you stupid? You think the government is stupid? Remember, the government is never stupid, just not informed enough. In this case the government knows how much it costs to protect witnesses who are better off making big bucks as hostile witnesses. The government cares for the greatest good, for the greatest numbers. There's always one victim but so many witnesses. Why victimise them? Let witness protection be the sole responsibility of the defence side. We, the government, are already burdened by the ridiculously high salary of the public prosecutor. Hey, we don't want to screw around with the Budget Deficit any more. Okay?

KBC, Shah Rukh aur Tum

So the other day I was at the Dutta Roys in Andrewsganj. KBC was going on flat-out on the flat screen. It may seem idiotic, but I don't own an idiot box. So whenever I'm here, its a novelty to watch TV. I love quizzing too, so I was gleefully answering Shah Rukh's questions(all correctly) and had reached the 6 lakh Rupees mark. Piyali's odd remark broke my concentration.

"Bhaiya Shah Rukh khan ko manners nahin hain." She said.

"Matlab?" I asked.

"Wo badon ko bhi 'Tum' bolta hai." Piyali explained

"Kya baat kar rahi ho? Ho hi nahin sakta!" I said incredulously.

"Haan bhaiya, use baat karni nahin aati." Piklu seconded with force.

Now I had to see and hear this for myself. I couldn't believe that Shah Rukh, a pucca North Indian, didn't know the basic manners of addressing people and elders.

Dominic(Dom), a late fortysh gentleman from Mumbai, was on the hot seat. With some white strands and some appropriate wrinkles, he looked much older than Shah Rukh. This was a real test now. Just then Shah Rukh Khan said something like, "Tumne first stage paar kar liya hai.." or something to that effect. I was flabbergasted! Afsos! Galat Jawab!

Once while riding my Bajaj Super scooter, a tiny bug fell into my left eye. The feeling was similar. It was sudden, unexpected, it was odd, incongruous, out of place and stung like hell! The thing is that in normal Hindi conversation you always address strangers, youngsters and elders as 'aap'. 'Tum' is reserved for your wife, girlfriend, little kids, friends and some other categories of economic class (like your maid or driver or car washer). 'Tu' is strictly for close friends, brothers, sisters etc. It is normal for me, having lived in Delhi for almost fourteen years, to follow this linguistic culture. Most people I know follow these rules. In fact I know no one who doesn't. The Dutta Roys are Bengalis, I'm an Oriya and we too know these nuances. Thats why when I heard what Shah Rukh said, it didn't just come across as wrong, it came across as if something is not right with the picture. Something just doesn't fit. Like a smudge on a clean mirror. Like a mole on Mona Lisa's nose. It wasn't just wrong, it felt ugly.

The other thing that really puzzles me still is that Shah Rukh Khan has lived in Delhi long enough to know this. Then why would he commit such a disgrace? Does it have to do something with Bollywood's scriptwriters, who for ages have made heroes address the villains as 'tum'? Since a long long time, I've noticed that many Hindi film heroes do this, "Main tumhein nahin chhodunga!" Or, "Tum mera kuch nahin bigad sakte!" Of course the villains reciprocated, "Main tumhari maa behen ek kar doonga." Whats with all the respect? 'Tu' should be the word here. If you want to check if this is right, then go watch the usual brawl on Delhi roads. I think Bollywood is obsessed with 'Tum' and therefore, the professional that Shah Rukh is, the script has just seeped into his neurons. Its high time someone corrected him. This is a live family show, not a Bollywood matinée.

The English have it easy. No degrees of respect. So no confusion and no disrespect. Most Indian languages and cultures are developed enough to have two or three degrees of respect. Although, the respect denoted by 'tu', 'tum' and 'aap' can be different for different languages. For instance, in Oriya, 'Aapono' is for strangers, 'tommay' is for elder relatives and 'tu' is for real close relatives, friends and brothers and sisters. So I address my dad as 'tommay', my mom, my mausis, my nani and cousins as 'tu' and my brother as 'kutte'. ;)

Pimp my Cricket

India's Cricket World Cup 2007 Debacle

After 3 bottles of greedily gulped down Kingfisher light beer, I was too drunk to have patience, or hope. So when Dhoni's wicket fell, I finally asked my good friend Sumanta to switch off the TV. He readily agreed being equally drunk. But I could feel his pain coz he's a big fan; and a Bong on top of that. I went to sleep immediately not wanting to know the result. The next morning I woke up still not wanting to know the result. I truly didn't bother. Nor did Sumanta. Though we did see on a news channel in the passing that India had lost miserably. Life has to go on you know. And sports is entertainment. It is also a nationalistic expression in some ways but a facile one.

But there were others who didn't take this lightly - many fans, the BCCI, the media, corporates, betters and bookies. I can understand the anguish of people who had hoped to make a profit out of this extravaganza. But what I don't understand is the way some fans reacted to this debacle. Blackening the posters of our cricketers, breaking and stoning their houses?? So you can deify and vilify the same person within a few hours? I mean what kind of really silly behaviour that? Who needs who more? I'm sure that our sports persons need their fans more than the other way round. So how about due to the absence of support during a cricket match, later the cricketers come and smash the houses of fans for failing to show up? Is there some kind of contract here? In a civilised society outpouring of public sentiments should limit itself to peaceful means. And in the case of something as harmless as cricket, fans really need to chill.

In fact I'm pretty sure that the insanely high expectations of Indian fans had made our cricketers so damn nervous that they forgot to play their 'natural game'. Looking at a genius like Sachin get out definitely made me feel so. The Bastard Cricket Czars of India act like a local politician, the fans act like lustful customers, the advertisers act like pimps. Where does that leave our poor cricketers? Can they still play cricket for the love of the game? Anyway they are not paid as much as Bollywood stars. Also unlike Bollywood stars, who do subjective entertainment, our cricketers perform objective entertainment. Either you win or you lose. A film star makes the same amount whether the movie flops or hits. A cricketer loses a lot if the team doesn't win. Nobody gives a shit if a movie is a hit or a flop. Everybody abuses our cricketers if they lose one. Why this step-motherly treatment? Do they need to succeed in every match they play?

I'm not a great fan of 'Success'. I've never been very successful myself. Moderately, somewhat, but not massively. The thing is, success as an end is as hyped as 'nirvana' is as an achievement. Too much focus on success makes us look at life not as 'line' but as a 'dot'. A line can be straight or curvy and extended to make beautiful shapes. A line is a journey, but a dot is...well, a dot is a dot is a dot. Nothing else. Of course, success has its place in situations where success means ending a living creature's misery. But success in a cricket match? Surely, you cant say that you were miserable before India went to play the World Cup? And that your misery could only end if India wins the world cup? Ironically, Cricket in India, is a victim of its own popularity. But its still a form of entertainment and recreation. We must not make it an issue of life or death. Definitely not the death of the players or coaches. I think a nation's morals can be gauged by its predominant form of entertainment. At the peak of the Roman Civilisation, people paid money and sat in huge stadia just to see human beings chop each other off. The fans screamed, shouted, howled, clapped and whistled with every limb being severed and every eye being gouged. Free concessions for the audience made matters worse. And that was perhaps the real peak. The slide began soon after that. If we have to save our nation and not disintegrate then we must have a more sensible approach towards our entertainment-whether its cricket or saas-bahu serials.

The kind of money that is pumped into cricket defies all sensibilities. So partly media and corporates who look at viewers as milch cows are responsible for the state of affairs. Of course all this attention has helped the cricketers in getting paid, but I'm sure that if Sachin had not been a sports person, he would've been good at whatever he did. Thats the kind of person he is! The characters surrounding the cricket drama have only overdone the whole thing like a gaudy nautch girl. No wonder the fans are reacting as if they've been denied a good night's romp after having paid for it. And the local politician has no accountability and all the control. If we can fire the coach, the captain, why not the Board President? Are only the players answerable to the fans? That really isn't fair at all! BCCI is nothing but the emperor who gives the thumbs up or thumbs down to decide the fate of the 'down but not out' gladiator.

My grouse against BCCI is that it is an enterprise meant to promote a concept but headed by people who have nothing to do with the concept and have no love for it. Why do you think Sharad Pawar, a politician, is the President of BCCI? Is it because he was a star wicket keeper in his youth? Or is it because it will ensure a good sugarcane crop in Baramati? More of the latter I think. The immense success and appeal of cricket in India has meant that politicians and businessmen have successively controlled BCCI. It ensures power, popularity and spotlight. Just imagine that Google's CEO has the controlling stake in Google, and Larry and Sergei are just hard working coders.

Whoever names a promotion and lobbying body 'Board of Control '? I mean you're here just to control, is it? Is Cricket going out of control in India? Maybe it is! Right from the media to the fans, everyone is going berserk. Then there are the bookies who must have gone berserk after India's exit. Poor Woolmer bore the brunt of one shock. I wouldn't be surprised if a few similar incidents happen in India too. But then the people who bet big on India's matches live all around the world. We will never really know how many lives were destroyed that fateful day. But sure there are a few who must be still stuffing their mattresses and pillows with banknotes, their insane guffaws still trembling the corridors of betting syndicates.

They say that hundreds of crores or Rupees has drowned in the Caribbean seas. When you see the ads of Hutch and Kingfisher and many other Indian companies swamping the West Indian stadia, you feel, "is this match happening in India?" Indian money is traveling far and wide and has almost bankrolled the 2007 world cup. Indian fans from the world over were supposed to stuff the pockets of Caribbean hotel owners. Now that they are not coming, the hotels, the stadia and the streets seem empty and worthless. So I think the biggest actual stakeholders of this charade are Indian corporates and Caribbean tourism. So to be fair to everyone, why not just give India a confirmed berth in the finals? I'm sure the Indian fans would love that. I'm sure the corporates would love that. And I'm sure BCCI would see merit in that idea. After all it is flexing its muscle! I don't know who can be more shameless in Indian Cricket today.

A few days back I got an sms rumour that India made it to super eights because Bangladesh was caught doping. I almost puked with indignation.

PS: Hell, BCCI doesn't even have a website of its own. What kind of promotion are they doing God only knows. Well, Devil may care..

Lions and Paper Tigers

The way poachers killed 3 lions in Gir reminds me of the days when my mom or grandmother used to pick out lice from my head. I was in school in Calcutta and lice infestation was common. But finding lice and catching them needs careful technique and some practice. Something poachers have but forest officials dont.

You take a tourist to Ranthambhore or Sariska, you wont see a tiger. But of course for some extra fee, the really determined kinds can have a dekko. How so? It seems people know where the tigers are when commerce knocks on their doors.

Only poachers see commerce in tigers, lions, rhinos and tuskers. Not the government and definitely not the rest of the public. Who goes to Ranthambhore or Corbett because they want to save the tiger? Honeymoon maybe, vacation yes, post safari booze party most definitely! Poor wildlife activists try hard to enlighten the public. The same public that doesnt hesitate to lynch a scared leopard that 'mistakenly wanders' into territory that was his to begin with. But then he doesnt have the voting rights. Even if his species had, we'd make sure that their numbers are so less that they cant make any meaningful changes to the existing laws. We might even have to set up a minority commission just for them.

Minority commissions are set up for wild life. But those are there to give a patient hearing to activists really. Who cares about wild life? About trees? You think city dwellers? All they care about is that the trees in their avenue should not be cut. Not because of the shade or the oxygen or the fruits, but because it looks beautiful and increases the value of their real estate. Hell, a small shopping mall in Delhi would get more footfalls during a regular weekend than Gir receives in an entire year. You think villagers care? All they want is that elephants dont trample their crop, leopards dont carry away their cattle and that there is more land to give away as dowry. What about the government? You know, in some ways, the government is the keeper of public conscience. Yes, government is active in that area. It is busy making sure that people below 25 can vote, copulate, raise kids, gamble on stocks, but cant drink alcohol. It is making sure that kids who get raped and molested by their own relatives are not exposed to any suggestive sexuality on television. Government can only do so much. After all we are the government. Government does what we want and what we want is a facade of propriety.

And a facade is what we shall get. A few years down the line, your kids and mine, lugging 'artificial oxygen' cans on their backs will go on a weekend trip to the local zoo to see something called Wild Life. The only problem is that it no longer exists in the wild.

I feel like watching 'Planet of Apes' once again.