The Rich Get Richer Club

Dump: OK, pipe down guys. We're not making money doing idle chit chat. This meeting of the Rich Get Richer Club is now in session. So, guys, here are the points on today's agenda. The First is "What's stopping us from getting richer?" The second is "How can we get even richer?" And the third is "How to want more riches?" Let's begin with what's stopping us from getting richer. Eleven and Feku, guys, we had expressly agreed that the border conflict program has to be armed, not unarmed. How do you expect me and Benji to sell weapons? 

How Readers Bought Fiction Titles—And the Non-fiction Books They Should've Bought Instead

At the General Book Fair of 2014, and again in 2019, people overwhelmingly chose to buy fiction titles. But now that we have a mortal crisis, people are clamouring for non-fiction titles to help them understand, manage, and cope. But the non-fiction titles are naturally out of stock because

It's Time to Thank God—And Make Some Changes

I guess it's time I thanked God for sending me down as an upper caste Hindu male. Now, if only I could also pretend that I hate minorities and find gau mutra delicious—that'd set me up nicely for the next quarter century or so. I hope I'm able to coz I've heard terrible things about concentration camps.

2019: A Face Odyssey

The Demagogue-class Castecaster crash-landed on a strange planet in the Tch O-kid ‘ar  cluster of stars. I had lost my bearings and the crash had left me badly disoriented. I precariously stumbled out of the craft onto the alien terra firma. 

Teenager Makes Man Molest Her: News from 2084, Issue 7

★25 April 2084, Staff Reporter, Purushottampur★

In yet another shameful incident, a 15-year-old girl named Kusum Kumari compelled a middle-aged gentleman to molest her.

The incident took place four days ago but came to light only yesterday after the man's family protested outside Mardnagar police station alleging inaction. We cannot disclose the name of the man to protect his identity. The incident took place around noon on Friday when the man was passing by Kusum's house.

Kusum had laid a trap by being at her home with the door open. The victim was lured into the house by the open door. Seeing Kusum at her own home in broad daylight, the victim felt compelled to molest her. He raised an alarm when Kusum resisted him, and was rescued by some men standing outside. Kusum tried to escape from the bathroom window but was caught, beaten up, and handed over to the police.

An elderly lady from the neighborhood, on condition of anonymity, said, “Kusum is a known bad character. She frequently stays at home during the day. She had no business keeping her door open. This is how unsuspecting, innocent men are forced into molesting young girls.”

Kusum's parents are claiming that at the time of the incident, Kusum wasn't even at home. They're saying that the woman who made the victim molest her was actually their domestic help. The police have filed an FIR against Kusum and are currently questioning the maid. If convicted, Kusum faces life in jail without parole.

I Hate

Detestable, to say the least
The things that don't deserve
My respect or my love.
Say, for instance, the sun.

I hate the sun–
It shines bright for all
And doesn't dim itself for the 'others'
Who are not like me.

No Bark, No Bite

Once upon a time, in a big and diverse country, there lived two large communities—Group Ma and Group Mi—among several smaller communities. Group Ma was the biggest and Group Mi the second biggest in numbers.

Group Mi people traditionally ate tree bark. A vast majority of Group Ma also ate tree bark, but on special occasions, they chose not to. On those special occasions, which were special for Group Ma but not for Group Mi, the Group Mi people continued to eat tree bark.

मैं विकास हूं

मैं विकास हूं। मैं खो गया हूं।

बैठकर मेरे कांधों पर
पुत्र लाया था मुझे।
धर्म और राजनीति के संगम पर
स्नान कराया था मुझे।
फिर महत्वाकांक्षा के कुंभ में
छोड़ आया था मुझे।

News from 2084, Issue 6: Raghuram in Autonomy Furore

★21 January 2084, Staff Reporter, Indraprastha★

While institutional autonomy was amended out of the Indian constitution in 2019 to 'prevent discord in society', in a shocking incident, a high-level constitutional authority was caught thinking unconstitutionally.

News from 2084, Issue 5: Odd-Even Starts Again

★20 January 2084, Agencies, Indraprastha★

Government today began the implementation of its election promise to fight pollution in the capital. People will henceforth be categorised as 'Odd' or 'Even' based on their looks.

News from 2084, Issue 4: Breakthrough in Traditional Medicine

★19 January 2084, Staff Reporter, Gwalaheri★

In a major breakthrough, scientists at Nim Huckim Paramparik Aushadhi Kendra (NHPAK) claim to have developed a health drink that can cure such dangerous illnesses as cancer, AIDS, schizophrenia, homosexuality, and love.

News from 2084, Issue 3: SC Upholds Cricket Ban

★18 January 2084, Staff Reporter, Indraprastha★

Ruling in favour of the government, the Supreme Court yesterday declared cricket illegal under the Bharatiya Sanskriti Act (BS Act). It took the government 64 years to finally achieve this feat after decades of public campaigns and re-education.

Author Arrested for Portraying Immoral Act: News from 2084, Issue 2

17 January 2084, Staff Reporter, Prayagraj

Nobel Prize-winning children's author Ram Charan was arrested yesterday after a midnight raid on his residence. Prayagraj Police's Vice Squad (PPVS) undertook this raid upon taking cognizance of the complaint of the parents of a child.

The parents were infuriated that the author's latest book, which the child was reading, featured an illustration of a girl in jeans. PPVS Sub-Inspector Pramod Mahadik said, "Mr Charan claims innocence and has said that this was an editorial lapse and he never meant to portray immoral acts. We are currently questioning the editor and the publisher of the book. We are leaving no stone unturned in catching the culprit of this ghastly crime." Sources close to the investigation revealed that the publisher is blaming the illustrator. He alleges that the illustrator, a woman, has drawn this illustration during her impure days, which was a breach of her contract terms. Further investigation by this correspondent has revealed that the illustrator may have been under the influence of a banned psychotropic drug called 'feminix'.

Bharat Is Now Diversity Free: News from 2084, Issue 1

★16 January 2084, Staff Reporter, Indraprastha★

Today at an event Our Dear Bade Bhaiyya (ODBB) declared Bharatvarsh diversity free.

The Indian Lynching League

Today is an apt day for this idea:

How about we start an Indian Lynching League?

There's massive talent in this country for this glorious, age-old, national sport of lynching. People have been lynching in India as amateurs and part-timers for hundreds of years now! It's time to professionalize and commercialize it.

Bullshit is Content

These are the days of content.

 

Text, audio, video, graphics, gifs, photos, JPEGs, animations, motion pictures, 2D, 3D, music, white noise, pink noise, SMS, tweets, newsfeeds, games, apps, blogs, HDTV, FM radio, pulp fiction, literary fiction, non-fiction, memos, minutes, emails, reports, excel sheets, PowerPoint presentations, and so on and so forth—things that are making the world go round.

The Indian Incontinent

Almost in all major metros of the hot Indian subcontinent, a cloud cover is a welcome development with distinct foreboding overtones. Especially if it is a weekday, you know it's going to be cool outside, but you dread the traffic if it so much as drizzles. It's a good thing, but it's a bummer; you want to be happy, but you're being held back -- a schizophrenic feeling, adding to the already bipolar nature of an Indian metro, where the uber-rich live alongside the uber-poor,  where a Bentley is stuck in the same jam as a Luna. Why do they have to wait for a flood to declare a public holiday? Do it when you see the clouds in the horizon; we will telecommute. I promise I'll work! The geography of India is not weird, it's our cities -- they're just tumorous now. I can't help but crack a crude joke: "Is this the Indian subcontinent or the Indian incontinent?"

The One In Which Gulliver Is Bored and Calls Newton for Advice

Destiny washed Gulliver up on the shores of the island nation, Lilliput, a kingdom ruled by minuscule intellectuals.

Gulliver’s ship was wrecked during his long voyage. Floating on a rotting plank, he was desperately seeking terra firma. It was a blessing that the tropical storm that thrashed him one night also deposited him on the shores of Lilliput.

A Real Conversation

"Switty switty switty tera pyaar chahida...," rang out Stefan's cell phone.
He cuts the call.
Guru: "Who was it?"
Stefan: "My vice-captain."
"Why didn't you take the call?"
"Coz he's a smart-ass..!"
"Stefan, you're the first person in 7 years years, 11 months, 3-and-a-half days to visit me. And you seem like an intelligent fellow. While you're here anyway, why don't we talk for a while? God knows that I'm dying for a real conversation! I'm tired of speaking to people only through Facebook!"
"Ummmm...well...OK...what's the harm? I anyway need a breather before I start back."
"Awesome! BTW, don't you think it's time you updated your ringtone? Heard of 'Wanna be my chhammak chhallo' yet?"

The Situation Room

Sanjay: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a grave situation. From where I stand, I can’t see shit!"

Agatha: "I’m pretty sure it was the butler. Why else would the tea be cold?"

Albert: "Totally out of tune, totally out of tune! He couldn’t have been going that fast."

Ali: "I should’ve moved sooner. The bloody butterfly stung me!"

Coco: "Frills, frills, frills! Come on people! Show some class!"

Mohan: "Can we all just calm down for a while? Look, guys, I’m not in favour of this division."

Howard: "What? You want money? Money you want? Let’s start all over again."

Marie: "If she can do it once, she can very well do it once more. I wish I had some lead in me!"

Winston: "I say that we go for Cuban cigars. The lightning bolts here make me edgy."

Joseph: "Ah! Finally! Glad you agree. I’m going to continue west. And I’m going to sunbathe naked."

Yudi: "Thanks, guys, for your vote of confidence. I’ll be honest: people are dumb. So it’s settled. It’s going to be strip poker. Yay! Where’s Tommy?"