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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Dudette Discovers Garlic!

FADE IN.

GREATER KAILASH, SOUTH DELHI BUNGALOW. A POSH HOUSE TASTEFULLY FURNISHED.
The camera pans the drawing room and moves toward the kitchen as Dudette passes in front of the camera straying into the kitchen by mistake.
INT. KITCHEN. DAY.
Mom has a white thing in her right hand, trying to crush it on the kitchen granite slab.

DUDETTE
Mom what is that?

MOM
It's a pod of garlic beta.
DUDETTE
Garlic as in garlic bread and vampires?
MOM
Ummmm...yes.
DUDETTE
Pod as in IPod?
MOM
Ummmmm...distantly related.
DUDETTE
Wow! Cool! Wait till I tell my friends
that garlic came from IPods!
MOM
No no it's just the word! Actually
garlic came first. Try to...
DUDETTE
Yeah whatever mom. What are you doing
with it?
MOM
I'm removing its skin.
DUDETTE
Oh okay. But why are you killing it?
MOM
Oh, I'm just crushing its knotty head
so that its easier to peel its skin!
DUDETTE
Awesome mom! Can you imagine the world's
reaction when it knows how easy it is to
skin a garlic pod? Wait, let me record
this on my cell. It will get millions of
hits on YouTube! I'll be famous! I'll be
rich!
Mom slaps her forehead with her left palm and shakes her head left to right looking down at the garlic pod.
DUDETTE
Hahahahaha! That was so funny! Wait wait,
do that again, do that again!

FADE INTO BLACK.

Sacrificial Pyre

Dear Editor,

I have tears in my eyes.
I don't know what to do with them.

I sit here in my room
with your paper in my hands
reading the gory tale of horror
where a bank manager, a lawyer,
a panwalla and a broker,
all common Indians created
a bonfire of their neighbours.
Roasted them alive in the name of
religion, without feeling the pain
or the fear of the fifty odd
innocents trapped inside
that house, hiding their babies
in their bosoms and wombs,
their fathers, mothers and infirms;
they who could neither fight nor
take flight. Just shout.
And scream and scream as the
searing flames gnawed on their
helpless skins. While their
neighbours outside celebrated
with joy, the victory of their
religion over weak, innocent,
scared and nondescript humans,
like butter into the sacrificial fire.
I want to see that god to whom
this pyre of a sacrifice was
meant to please.
I want to see his face once before I die.

I hope he has tears in his eyes.
And I hope he knows what to do with them.

Yours...

Friday, October 19, 2007

Immigration and the True Citizen

There is a huge debate going on in UK, Europe and other nations that attract immigrants in large numbers. In light of terror threats, governments have come to the realisation that immigrants are just not immersed enough into the culture and tradition of their host nations. Therefore, they feel disjointed from the society and harbour a deep sense of disenchantment and dislike that expresses itself in the form of terrorism or support for radical causes. Hence, the governments feels that the best way to resolve this issue is to 'localise' the immigrants and give them 'strong incentives' to adapt to their host's systems. Governments are not understanding that you cannot force-feed culture. Migrations and the results thereof are much more complicated than asking people to take a quiz that they can just mug up. Immigration is neither a win-win nor a lose-lose game. You win some, you lose some.

Human beings have always migrated - to look for food, shelter, safety or conducive weather. Most people who are migrating to UK and Europe from elsewhere are still looking for the same. These people are not migrating to a culture or religion. They are migrating to money, to a legal system. They are not beggars who need to be grateful to a benevolent Britain. Most of them are fortune hunters who had to go through severe hardships - to reach Britain, and even after reaching there, just to find their feet. They have worked hard and are still working very hard because they know they are in an unlike country, a dissimilar nation. They're not good with the language or the culture but that doesn't dismay them because there's good money to be made and they always have their own culture and religion to take solace from. The immigrants win some. And so do the hosts. Immigrants effectively lower costs of basic services. Young immigrants make sure that the demographics are not uneconomically skewed on the side of the elderly. Immigrants supply skilled and unskilled labour in severely shortaged markets. They also pump in huge tax dollars into the exchequer.

It is the power of economics exerting an influencing force on culture, tradition, systems, laws and government. If you cant take the change then forget about the economic benefits. Concessions have to be made, tolerance has to be shown. In search for the definition of a pure and true citizen, we must not insist on a rapid or drastic cultural adaptation. It is neither fair nor practical. Which South Asian ever emigrated to UK because he loved Fish-n-chips or felt grateful toward the Magna Carta? While asking the question about the true meaning of Britishness, people are forgetting that the world has moved on. Just as the moon exerts some influence on the earth's orbit and makes it a little wobbly, so will immigrants exert some influence on the culture of their hosts. Thats been happening for thousands of years in India. India was supposed to be a sexually liberal nation at some point in history. You have to see our temples to believe it. Where did Kamasutra come from? So what happened in between? How come we've become such prudes now?

Cultural change due to migration of human population is like mixing two matters with dissimilar properties. For instance, hot water and cold water. Put more hot water and you'll scald yourself. Put more cold water and you'll freeze. Too much of hot water changes the character of the water towards the hotter side. Similarly too much cold water changes the character of the water towards to colder side. But its never completely hot or completely cold; unless there is massive invasion of one matter. Then the identity of one engulfs the identity of the other. Immigration is like that. If original white Anglo-Saxons think that they can sit easy and politely ask the immigrants to try and gradually become more 'British' then they are in for a big disappointment. If you allow immigration, be prepared to get influenced in some ways. Prepare to change your own culture in some ways. Friction and turbulence are given. The definition of a 'British' person changes every time a new person crosses the immigration desks of Heathrow.

Is the approach of governments right? We need to define what a nation stands for. What is the definition of culture, identity and boundaries in this age of mixing and mingling. I insist on the basics. What makes a nation what it is? What are the values that attract immigrants? Where does the safety, the shelter, the food and the prosperity stem from? Where is the culture of the nation - on its face or in its heart? Multicultural democracies like India, UK or USA cannot be defined by one culture or one religion or even one political party. These nations can only be defined in terms of values - values that are enshrined in our founding documents - freedom, equality, opportunity to pursue happiness, and so on. The British government must relay messages of these basic values rather than external manifestations of culture. UK must help the new members of the British family to understand that the safety, security and prosperity that they have come to ticks because of these reasons.
"This nation is not what it is because women here do not wear burqas, but because women and men are treated equally. This nation is not what it is because people can speak English, but because everyone can understand each other, speak freely and express anything. This nation is not free and fair because it is populated by rich white men, but because long time back in its history, a great document called the 'Magna Carta' was written and adopted. Beyond this, you are most welcome to love(or hate) either Fish-n-chips or Hilsa in mustard gravy!"

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Tips for a Good Morning Walk

[Glorious outcome of a recent bout of insomnia, acquisition of heavily discounted walking shoes, and mending of centrally torn track pants.]

  • Wash your face, brush and have half a glass of water before you leave. It helps to feel fresh and recharged and alert enough to avoid the odd early morning rash driver.
  • Leave five minutes before sunrise so that you can watch the sun rise over the horizon just as you're beginning. It’s beautiful! Like a bright orange Poppins sneaking out of its hiding place.
  • Don't drive your way to the nearest park. Your tubeless radials will lose weight, not you.
  • Don’t force yourself to walk fast. At least to begin with, in the first few days while you're still gathering the enthusiasm, just amble, just stroll aimlessly, saunter, drift, meander, loiter leisurely. Look around. Take in the sights and sounds. Think of childhood games and sports. Or don’t think at all.
  • If you're as lazy as I am, then don’t impose a target or objective on yourself. You will never wake up in the first place! Mind games! These days, the objective is not to lose weight or become thin. The objective it to prevent muscular atrophy and joint logjams.
  • Keep changing your routes. It’s boring to go round and round the park bumping into the same people who you've seen everyday but don’t know anything about. Also, its really really awkward!
  • Avoid routes where disadvantaged people relieve themselves. Respect their privacy and your olfactory nerves.
  • Talk to dogs on the way. Shoo away cats. Shout at birds. Stay out of the way of cows and bulls.
  • Don’t make eye contact with anyone you can’t talk to. And if you do have company, then talk lightly, don't shout like a hick.
  • Don’t stare at women, fat people and people making strange movements and sounds. Be conscious of your own gender, flab and wrong timing of birth.
  • Dress flatteringly. No point flaunting your skinny calves, flabby triceps and sagging gluteus maximus. It’s important to look stylish so that everyone can enjoy the view in the park.
  • Hum. Occasionally.
  • Travel light. Just carry your tiniest cell phone. Or none at all. Leave your wallet at home. You can’t buy your way to good health. Don't expect to get solicited either.
  • Walk for at least 20 minutes. Or just enough for you to not scramble to reach for your inhaler.
  • Don't get too ambitious too soon. Get medical insurance before you bust a lung or pop a vein.
  • Jogging is NOT walking. It's a whole different ballgame that is outside the purview of my experience, understanding and imagination. It's a separate matter that I don't have medical insurance either.
  • Walk close to home just in case you need to rush back to take an urgent call from nature.
  • When you're back home, don’t lose the get-up immediately. Preserve the show for some time. Feel the health seeping in. Watch the smugness on your face in a full length mirror. Feel the adipose being disposed. Walk around or read the paper like that till you start feeling too hot for comfort. Or till your better half reminds you of you being the worse half.
----

Jokes apart, this blog post is the most popular on my godforsaken blog. Lots of people come here looking for genuine information on walking and morning walks. I almost feel like a cheat by making light of the whole thing :) So I thought I should add some 'useful' information. Here are some links:

I hope this helps. Let me know.

    Monday, October 15, 2007

    Terror Fatigue

    My Dear Terrorist fiend,

    At the risk of being called insensitive toward your cause, let me just give you a heads-up - terror fatigue has set in. Your TRPs(Terror Rating Points) have fallen drastically and the Indian public is neither amused nor saddened by your show. There is no shock, there is no awe, there is not even one hee-haw. Your indiscriminate bombing of poor helpless souls is boring, tedious and old news. One looks much like the other and no one remembers which was the last one. Your 'bijli bums' are bummers leaving audience scratching their bums and wondering what was that all about. You think you're having an orgy of gore, but no one in the public is having an orgasm; just bore. Come on! Excite us! Use your imagination! Give us a show that we can gossip about even a week later! Dont forget that you're competing with scores of 'saas' and hundreds of 'bahus'. Even an afternoon soap causes more heartburn on a daily basis than you do in an entire year.

    I say, if you really have to massacre in acres, why mow the people who still sow? Why kill people of faith, and those who still have faith; lives that make this nation valuable and yet are not valuable lives? Talking about 'valuable lives', the Indian public still fondly recalls the day when you guys decided to flush the house of representatives off the representatives. But your hand just didn't reach the lever. Don't you want publicity? How can you get publicity without becoming public? Why don't you show your face? Why don't you engage? We don't even know who you are or what you want anymore! What is worse is that we really don't care anymore! Your bips and boops of cellphone bombs are neither catching the signal, nor taking a call. Even Andrew Symmond's outburst makes a bigger bang than your burst out. You're hurting innocent individuals but your random pokes carry nothing but nuisance value for a nation as vast and varied as India. Get real, willya?!

    I would think that you need some consultants from Hollywood to jazz up your show. Or maybe some wedding planners from Delhi to add masala to your pelvic bursts. But the problem is that the people don't really know what you stand for. You don't represent a demand; you represent frisking at malls, random roadblocks and breaking news. Thats it! You're so annoying that you cant be called a terrorist (maybe annoyist!). Your fundamentals are so screwed up that you cant be called a fundamentalist. You're hardly causing a movement to be called a revolutionary. And I wont insult any religion by calling you a holy warrior. You still don't get it, do you? In a democracy like India, the chorus is more popular than the lead singer. So where is your voice? Where is your chorus? Where is your real protest? You will find that in India, its easier to wash off blood stains from the floor than a mass movement from popular consciousness. If there is any truth in your claim, then why don't you ask for it? Come out, congregate and shout! And for a change, try something that really worked - Satyagraha.

    Hope you're not doing well.
    Please don't take care.

    Yours dead bored,

    AC.

    Sunday, October 14, 2007

    Realpolitik Republik of Pakistan

    I don't know how many people in India or abroad would be admirers of Pakistan, but in a world where every major power is just dying to screw your sovereignty, I cannot help having a grudging admiration of the Islamic Republic. It feels good to see at least one nation clutching the balls of two big powers and screwing the rest of the world without a tinge of worry for the future. I sometimes feel amazed at how Pakistan has been able to lie in the same bed with two bitter rivals - US and China - at the same time! The puppet seems to have become the puppeteer! Nothing has been able to budge Pakistan from those two nations' favourites list. Not even 9/11. Pakistan has always received American aid and Chinese weapon systems. 9/11 just increased the flow.

    If you want to learn realpolitik, become a Pakistani diplomat. I think they are the best diplomats in the world. I mean, just look at what all they have to defend - military dictatorship, nuclear bazaarisation, religious radicalism, promoting/harbouring terrorists, human rights violations, Taleban and Osama connections, honour killings and rapes and what not. And yet, they speak proudly and defend vociferously. This despite their constant flip-flops between causes - for taleban/against taleban; for democracy/against democracy; for the bomb/against the bomb; for India/against India. Lets call it their 'diploggression'.

    Imran Khan recently proclaimed that Pakistan is a Banana Republic. Who do you blame? The Soviets for occupying Afghanistan? Or further back, the British for cleaving the subcontinent? Apparently, there is no place for scruples in international diplomacy. In a world where increasingly greed and myopia are veiled as realpolitik and passed off as pragmatism, a nation has to be on its constant guard so that it is not caught with it's pants down and gets buggered by sundry kings and king makers. There is no substitute for a national conscience. Pakistan seemingly doesn't have one. But then you can't blame her. Between a rock and a hard place, conscience seldom comes to your rescue.

    But is Pakistan really a Banana Republic? How is it working? Isn't the General governing the nation well enough? Aren't the systems working? Isn't trade and economy booming in Pakistan? Isn't Pakistan making good use of the Americans and Chinese? Or is she still their stooge? Hasn't Pakistan developed better relations with India? She may not have a conscience, but doesn't she have ample judgment? Who is thinking this up? My question is, who is really controlling Pakistan these days? And herein lies the seed for my next article, my wackiest conspiracy theory.

    Monday, October 01, 2007

    New Lands to Explore, New Wars to Wage

    US started an Africa Command yesterday (see news article). Promises a lot of media excitement in the next 100 years. The Dark Continent is soon going to have arc lights planted across its length and breadth. New oil, new dictators, new puppets, new intrigues, new rogue states, new terrorist masterminds, new operations, new democratisations and lots of new promise for many future US presidents. Like common men need God, politicians need issues. Africa promises loads.

    From my scale of global events, India and China are old news. Africa is a timed explosive device that is going to boom anytime soon. It is not just a hinterland for your raw materials, it is going to be a significant market and a strong influencer of world events. I think in another 10-15 years we will stop referring to Africa en masse, and start referring to the individual nations, like, Burundi, Chad or Western Sahara. Depends on who first gets under the benevolent gaze of crusaders of the free world.

    African nations are getting rich and smart simultaneously and hence are resisting international arm twisting. For a change, they are looking after their national interests. Oil is pumping money into the veins of African nations. Sudan, Zimbabwe and Somalia have already made names for themselves by mooning US and other western powers. God only knows how much more wealth is lurking in the belly of that dark continent.

    China has already set up large field camps which dole out generous aid and take out generous minerals. Indians are thinking. Europeans had cut up the cake and distributed it amongst themselves in the 1900s only. So they have their children playing hide and seek all around the park. Poor Americans are way behind. They never got to become imperialists (they got to play only consumers of trade in 'bonded human workers' from Africa). Now they have an opportunity to make up for it. But you never know...maybe CIA already has plans to lodge Condiben as a Hutu warlord in hotel Rwanda.

    US's growing interest in Africa is going to bring a lot of necessary attention to a continent that has been treated like a step sister by rest of the continents. In the end, everything is the same. But there are miles to go before we reach the end. And those miles are going to be littered with exciting milestones. So media companies, start stocking up on arc lights and digicams.

    I can see Ladenbhai taking Swahili lessons.